A journal I guess

It's the hard knock life for us.

It's been a long time since I last posted something. Quite frankly, interacting with people, no matter the method it is implemented in, repulses me. Not because I dislike them, but because the idea of it, frightens me. I am not the person I was prior. Now, I feel empty and lost, as if something fundamental inside me is lacking. I no longer know who I am, I can only watch as I become...a stranger. I do not know myself. I only know suffering and pain. I only know isolation and sleepless nights. I cannot feel love, or be loved. And that fact doesn't bother me. Maybe it would have, if you had asked me some time ago. But I do not have the capacity to care anymore. 

I feel myself drifting from humanity and its morals. This was inevitable, as a Servant, but a part of me had hope that it wouldn't happen to me. That I would be safe from its clutches. Ultimately, though, nobody ever is. As the timeline becomes more and more unstable, and the other timelines merge and clash with it, everything I have been before is becoming one with me. It's confusing, and it doesn't help my identity crisis. I don't know who I am. I only know that I exist, that I am drifting along like a leaf in the universe's current. I am something, and I don't know what that something is, but I feel so connected to the universe and to my past selves, to all of the timelines, more than ever. Before, they were just distant memories. Now, they're a part of me, just as my limbs are. I knew this would come, and yet it still swept me off my feet. We humans, we're funny that way. We continue to hope and dream for something better. I think that I'm too far gone at this point. 

I'm sure this all feels familiar to you. You must be experiencing something similar. It's the unstable nature of our current timeline. It's not just my past selves merging with me, it's also yours merging with you. And it's such an empty feeling, to become a muddled flurry of different things. You lose yourself in the process, what made you who you are, what, made your beliefs yours. I'm not sure if I can feel any empathy or sympathy anymore, for anyone. I'm truly selfish, and I suppose I've always been, but now it's more evident. I no longer try to hide my darker side. I will take what I want, when I want. Nobody can stop me. The only thing that can make me feel something is the suffering of others. Perhaps it sounds oh so edgy to you. I don't care. It's the simple truth, and I will speak my mind. I was kind and nice, and now I'm not. It's best for you to accept it sooner than later. 

All I care about is myself. I will put myself before you over and over again. That's why I don't want to interact. Because people whine, and people get upset at my coldness. And I, quite frankly, don't have the patience to comfort them. I have much more pressing issues to deal with. There are greater things, much more important things, than a child that wants attention from me. I have no love, and no affection to give. My life has hardened my heart, and nothing anyone will do can change it. It's the only way for me to survive. And I will survive, at all costs. Even if it costs others their lives. I simply do not care. I have cared for far too long. I have cared, and poured my sweat, blood and tears into trying to save people's lives. No more. I can't save anyone, and nobody can save me. The truth is bitter, it's hard to swallow. But eventually we have to swallow it. 

I am not good, and I am not evil. I simply am.