Duality

Chapter 10

Amiya imagines herself walking to the broken glass as it reminds her of the photo frame she broke while with her friends. She bends down and looks at her multiple faces in each piece of glass. Her eyes wonder to each image and reflection of herself, each shows a different side of her. Amiya picks up a tiny piece and observes it, watching herself in that glass.

Amiya continues to vision each piece of glass show an Amiya from the past, her each face and smile or frown. Each Amiya shines with a mesmerizing pure and positive aura in the broken mirror shards.

"The aura of positivity that runs through everyone, it once ran through me too, but what happened now? The non-stop chitter-chatter filled with innocent intentions that everyone has, I once had that, but what happened now? I was once honest and never lied no matter how dire the situation, and now I resort to lie and fake each smile and laughter. I hide my true thoughts and desires and fulfill everyone else's without second thought. I present myself as the strongest girl for everyone when, in reality, I am the opposite. Behind the scenes, especially when it comes to night, many tears flow furiously like a thunderstorm. Many times, I tremble like there is a strong earthquake inside of me which destroys everything. I forget the meaning of happiness, innocence, and purity. I hide myself deep in this tunnel which is kept so far and stranded from everyone. One thing is all I ask of, even I cannot have that wish. It is too much apparently and that stabs me as a reminder of how people pleasers will never get what they want or deserve. I will never have what I truly need as sad as it is, I do not even know on whom to depend on. I do not even know what I truly feel, my emotions are played so well that I do not know myself if it is all just an act and facade. I-I do not even know when I am Amiya or when it is just an illusion. That is simply how many times I put up a show for seeing comfort and smiles in everyone that is not me," Amiya talks to herself as her mind shows herself in that same place holding the pieces of glass to her heart.

Amiya imagines herself laughing as she cries as well. The room gets smaller but suddenly all the broken shards of glass emit a glowing light which shines brightly. It lightens the dark room a bit for her as Amiya looks around being surrounded by the pieces of broken glass.

"All around me reflects my life but I do not want to see it all. I wish to ignore all the mistakes and choices I made. What if I was a different person altogether, no hurting myself to feel accepted by others. I can be who I want to be and be with whomever without facing backlash. I wonder, what if I was a different Amiya who lived a different life with different relationships to maintain. Perhaps then I would be happier. From the start till the end of me realizing what life expectations are, what if I was carefree and did as I pleased and wanted. It would show me just whom to trust and rely on instead of faking my independence. Hmm, what if I never cared about how I am looked as by people. Is it too much to wonder about the different possibilities of living life. Am I even worth of it all? Am I deserving of such a life of happiness after all I have done?" Amiya asks herself as she sobs unknowingly.

Amiya thinks to herself unable to formulate her words 'I am not worth of anything at this point. I do not deserve the life I wish I had instead of this live I have. The happiness and dreams of being happy with everyone, it is not in my destiny. It is not written in my fate to have what I desire most. I should give up on everything at this point: I have nothing to lose and nothing with me that I fear of misplacing or giving up. My reflection was right, I guess, in the sense that a doll like me does not have the capability to have these kind of thoughts and dreams.'

As Amiya is indulged in her thoughts, her tears slowly slide down her cheeks to her chin hitting the floor.

"Why am I like this, so worthless and helpless? Why am I both the abused and the abuser? Why am I the pained and the one giving pain? Why do I want to be remembered and yet I want to be forgotten? Why do I want to pour my heart out and share my feelings but then I keep them to myself at the end of the day? Why do I want friends and be close to people when I am the one who distances myself and pushes them away? Why do I yearn for happiness and laughter when all I know is sadness and crying? Why do I have all these questions when I know I will never find the answers for them?" Amiya asks herself sadly with a frown.

Amiya takes a deep breath while unintentionally whimpering quietly as she wants to cry it all out and simply empty her heart of her misery forever.

"Mm... I really am a weakling; I really am pathetic. I am nothing but an unwanted fool. I am such an imbecile to think that things can go in the direction I wanted. All I am, just a girl who, in the end, broke every string that I created in naiveness and held so close only to shred it and tore it apart. However, all that innocent piece of thread of sincerity and purity was trying to do was mend and tie my heart with the goodness of the world. I let everyone down, I let myself down and hurt not just me but everyone that is a part of my broken yet confusing little heart. I am a doll even worse than those toys for children because whilst they are objects, I live. I give up on life, I cannot be like this anymore I have been hurt way too much. All I want is shelter in comforting and affectionate arms as I vent out my emotion's day and night." Amiya cries to herself.

Amiya's mind rushes through more flashbacks of moments where she broke down into tears when she was by herself and isolated from everyone. She saw other moments where she faked her every smile and laughter, but it seemed surreal. Those moments seemed so genuine even Amiya had to think twice before realizing that it was all a coy.

"Am I too young for this? Everything I said and did, my words and actions can never be taken back. It is too late to wash my mouth out with soap to clean myself from the toxic poison spewing in me. Why does society have to impact the mindsets of a person and forces everyone to think a certain way and adopt a certain nature that contrasts their reality? Why can we not be in a world where fear of judgement or being taunted is just an illusion, only a sick thought in the mind? Why should we care about perfecting ourselves making sure that no one flaw is detected and pointed out to use as humiliation against us? I tried doing everything; focus on others and make them your priority, check. Keep my thoughts and emotions to myself so that no one can ever assume I am different and need help for thinking the things I think, check. Fake it till you make it eventually, check. But I lost the ability to do all these things. I cannot handle the stress that comes with this anymore. I cannot fake my true being, it crushes my heart and shatters it even more day by day." Amiya rambles on emotionally.

Amiya sniffles sadly; her eyes eventually sore from the tears and sobbing. Her voice croaks and grows hoarse from the silly nonsensical talk to herself. Her stinging and bloody hand even stopped to pain due to the lack of attention. Amiya's mind empty with such thoughts that come directly from her heart. Her heartbeat beats fast as her whimpers continue slowly.

"It is so simple Amiya, loving you- well me in this torturous story, is a losing game. I need to lose myself to love others. Perhaps then, I may be capable of loving myself as well?" Amiya says without care.

After some more time of Amiya crying to herself more depressingly, she calms down and takes a deep breath. Her tears just never end no matter how sore her poor eyes are as they keep rolling down her face tenderly.

"Do I even want to look at myself? Am I worth looking at after everything I have done? Today what I did to my friends was mortifying, it was not me. I regret it, I regret it all, but it is too late to ask for forgiveness and to repent. Nonetheless, I must go back to them, they are my friends after all. Perhaps they are concerned for my safe being and health?" Amiya contemplates to herself about heading back.