Finally Free

13. not the same

Julie's pov.
I sit in bed again as always. One of my therapy teacher nurse just came and we worked on speech which was terrible. I don't know what it is and why but I can speak a lot with Luke but not with someone else. And even if I wanted it would not work my brain kinda gets off and I can't speak, but with Luke it's different. I see the look on me family's faces when they talk to me and I can't answer but i can with Luke. It hurts them even though they say it's okay. I also know that we got a lot of gig opportunities but the boys canceled them and they don't know that I get the emails first. They don't want me to know cause it makes me sad. And all i want is to be myself again i want to talk how much I want to, i want to sing with my band, i want Calebs voice out of my head and most of all I want to be me again. My goofy happy self. Just as my life started to get better and happier again with the boys and music and now everything is going down hill or it is already down hill. Most of all i want right now is to get out of my room and see something else. For the past weeks I've been stuck in my bed because I'm to weak or whatever most of all because dad and luke are too worried,  i would already be able to walk around and do stuff if they wouldn't be so worried all the time. I can't be in here any longer it's depressing. So I look out of my room no one is here i slowly walk downstairs and past the kitchen and outside in moms little garden behind our house. I love it here with all the flowers. I sit down in the grass and take a deep breath. Wow that feels good. The sun shines on my skin and the weather is so warm and butterflys fly around the flowers. I close my eyes and listen to the sounds of nature. I hear bees and kids play in my neighborhood. It seems so peaceful like nothing ever happend. And it's amazing. I spend a while here on the grass as i suddenly hear someone calling my name. Luke and Alex. They probably saw that I'm not in my room. But i just need some out-of-my-room time now so i don't say anything that I'm here.
"Where the hell is she?!" I hear Luke from inside the house
"Calm down dude she is probably on the toilet or some-"
"No she is not. What if Caleb took her or something" he sounds super worried.
"No he wouldn't do that" Alex explains.
"But we don't know"
Oh i should probably tell them.
"I'm here!" I yell and they run in.
"Julie! What on earth are you doing here?!" Luke asks.
"I just had to get out if my room" I sigh and get up.
"Why didn't you tell us we were so worried!" He explains.
"Sorry" I walk inside and again upstairs and again on my bed and again I stare at the ceiling as always. I feel Luke laying next to me. And we both stare at the ceiling.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you" Luke apologizes i turn my head and look at him he rubs over my cheek with his thumb.
"Next time you tell me and i help you go outside"
"I can do it on my own Luke I can walk" I say and he sighs.
"I know but you need to rest Jules"
"I'm resting since 3 weeks. I'm fine Luke"
"But not a 100%" he sighs again.
"I'll never be a 100% again you know that"
"Don't say that! You can do it Julie you are so strong" he looks in my eyes.
"I'm not as strong as you think I'am"
"You are the strongest person i know Julie. You've gone through so much" he takes my hand.
"You made so much progress nobody thought you would do. But you proved everybody wrong."
"Still the progress is not enough" I sigh.
"It is Julie it is. You can talk you can walk you can do stuff on your own"
"I can talk but only with you and i can walk and that not many steps and i cannot or I'm not allowed to do stuff on my own. Believe me if you and dad would let me do things you would see that i can do it"
"We know you can do it Jules. But you need to rest and go to therapy a lot and it will be worth it and you will be healthy again. I believe in you" I feel a tear rolling down my face and Luke wipes it away with his thumb.
"I don't know would i do without you" I cry and he gives me a big hug.
"I don't know what i would do without YOU" he rubs my back. I feel so safe in his arms that i feel my eyes get heavier and heavier I guess the little time in the garden was a little bit exhausting.

I wake up the next day. Wow I've slept sooo much. Ugh and my head hurts. I look put of the window it's again a beautiful day. I sigh and walk to my closet to get some fresh clothes. Wow i feel dizzy today so i use a chair to hold on to but decide to sit down on the floor with my back on the chair.
"Julie! You okay?" It's Alex and he kneels infront of me and I nod.
"Wait I'll help you" Alex helps me sit on my bed and he gives me a worried look.
"Wait here I'll get Luke he knows what do to" he runs out and I look at the floor maybe the dizziness stops when i look at only one spot. Soon later Luke runs in and he kneels infront and takes my hands.
"What is wrong?"
"Nothing I'm great" I say and give him a small smile.
"Did you take your medicine yesterday and today?" He looks at the pills box and sighs.
"Julie!" He gets me a class of water and the medicine and i take them.
"Why didn't you take them?"
"I forgot" a lie.
"Lay down" I do what he says and he gets pillows to keep my legs up.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"We need to keep you legs high so the dizziness stops" ohh?
"How'd you know" I sigh.
"Julie i know you" he says and sits next to me.
"Sorry" I apologize and he sighs.
"I just want you to be safe and good" he explains and pats my leg and walks out. I sigh and close my eyes. I wish my dizziness would stop now!
"Julie!" I sit straight up. Oh no not again.
"Get out!" I yell.
"Never!  i hear him laugh! I lean my head on my knees. Make it stop!
"Julie?"
"No get out!" I yell but it's Luke who sits next to me and not Caleb in my head talking.
"Is he here again?" Luke asks and I nod.
"Don't listen" Luke takes my hand so i calm down.
"He's gone now i think" I let him now.
And Luke pats my back.
"Don't listen to a word he says okay! We will find a way to get him out of your head soon I promise. Willie is already searching for him" He explains and I nod.
"Rest okay? I'll be back soon with food" Luke helps me lay down and I close my eyes. When will this stop?