𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐏𝐇𝐎𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐗 ━━ 𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐤 𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐝

sixty | help

"McDreamy, quit being a McAss."

"Don't McAss me. Or McDreamy me."

"I will when you stop being a McAss!"

Derek and I stand in the middle of the stairwell, circling around each other with arms crossed and lips snarled.

"The chief needs all the support he can get, okay?" I brush a hand through my tousled hair. "You reporting him to the board isn't going to do anything except end his career."

"He's an alcoholic, Leven! How long has he been drinking? Since the holidays?"

"Meredith didn't explain much, but why do you need to know? Other than, you know, wanting his position."

"I'm the head of neurosurgery, so I have a responsibility to this hospital."

"You have a bigger responsibility to him. Guide him to get the help he needs."

"Alright, you know what? I'm done having this argument. I'm going to the board, and I am reporting Richard."

"Almost three years ago, you guided me."

Derek's steps falter, and his hand pauses just over the door handle. A smirk grows on my face at succeeding in stopping him.

"I didn't do anything to deserve your help, but. . .you sat with me during my first appointment with Dr. Barrinski. Hell, you made me reconcile with my father after he abandoned me."

"This is different —"

"No, it isn't."

"The chief —"

"Is your friend. And he needs your help."

His lips thin in thought. "Fine. I won't tell."

"Good." I nod my head, unable to hide the smile of victory any longer.

"Damn it, you just make me want to. . ."

"Punch me in the face?"

A glimmer of reminiscence appears on our faces, recalling the very first time he'd kissed me. He crosses the short length and draws my lips for a passionate kiss.

"I won't go to the board. I won't say a word."

"Thank you."

"But think about what I said."

"Don't worry. I will."

Derek heads straight for the chief's office, and I'm paged to an empty exam room to meet with Cristina and Meredith.

"Teddy. Turns out she loves Owen, and I thought she came here to be all. . .you know, Teddy and Owen. But there's me, and now she's in pain and threatening to leave, so I told her she can have him."

"You did what?"

"She's an amazing teacher, and I'm. . .I'm happy again, and I'm-I'm in the O.R., and I'm feeling like myself, and-and I — of course, I didn't mean it. I mean, I love Owen. I love him. But that means that I don't get to have her, so. . .maybe I meant it?"

Meredith and I share a similar look of wide eyes and incredulous expressions.

"Okay, here's the thing: you can't talk like this."

"The three of us get each other, but other people don't."

"So you can't talk like this. I mean, it's crazy."

"But-But you're saying surgery, right?" Cristina points towards me. "Gun to your head, you would choose surgery over Derek?"

Meredith opens her mouth first. "We're saying. . .don't talk about this. And don't talk about it to Owen."

"Especially not Owen."

After some time, Cristina's unable to move past the conversation and invites Alex to join the three of us for lunch in the morgue. Meredith ends up extending the invitation to Jackson Avery, one of the few remaining Mercy Westers.

"If you had to choose between the thing you love — surgery — and the person you love, which would you choose?"

"You would choose Izzie, right? Because you two are gonna get back together."

"Shut up."

"Wait, why do you have to choose?"

"Doesn't matter. You just do. Which is it: surgery or love?"

"I want both."

"Couldn't agree more, newbie."

Jackson and I clap our hands together in a high-five.

"No, you-you can't have both."

"Why the hell not?"

". . .why the hell is he here?" An agitated Cristina outbursts.

"I said he could be in here because he's in the whipple, too." Meredith explains briefly.

"Whatever. Once again, you cannot have both. You have to choose."

"Choose what?"

The swinging door had opened silently without anyone noticing, and Izzie stands on the other end of it carrying a tray of lunch.

"Uh, my-my P.E.T. scan got pushed back an hour, so I thought I'd. . .join you for lunch." Her gaze lingers on Alex the longest.

"Okay, that. You have to give up that — learning the procedure, tuning out the world until you get it. Doing the procedure is the only thing that matters. If you don't get to do it, you'll die. That's what you have to give up."

"For what?" Izzie questions after having missed most of the conversation.

"Love."

Five voices speak simultaneously.

"Why?"

"Yeah, that's what I said."

"Okay, that's not the point. You know you couldn't do it. You know you'd choose the procedure."

"Alright, fine! Gun to my head, if I had to choose between Derek or surgery, I'd choose surgery. Okay?"

"Okay, thank you! Is that so hard to say? I don't know why it's so bad to say that out loud."

"Because it's crazy. Surgery, it's just a job. It's the thing you come home from, not the thing you come home to. And if you lose your job, you get another one. 'Cause there's always another one."

Alex's stitching grows slow.

"But if you lose your love. . .if you think you're losing your love. . .well, then, suddenly, nothing else matters."

A pause fills the room when Izzie and Alex look to each other.

"This is what you guys talk about during lunch?"

"Shut up, Avery."

Once our shifts are over, we go our separate ways. Derek and I arrive at the apartment around the same time and decompress in the living room.

"You were right. You were right. . .to go to the board about Richard."

"You think so?"

I stretch my legs across his lap and cuddle into his arm, pressing my cheek into his shoulder

"It's the best thing for him. You know that. And I took some time to realize that. . .this was the only way to help him."

My fingers fiddle with the wedding band on his left hand.

"If you had to choose between surgery and love, what would you choose?"

"Love. I'd choose love any day."