Constellations

equuleus

I woke up with a splintering headache this morning. And to the traumatic sounds of a bed creaking when I went to grab water. That should have flat-out told me that today would not be my day.

But I let the fifty free pounds I collected from my parents cloud my judgment.

My friend, and new coworker, Yasmin swung by to pick me up way before our shifts began so we can eat breakfast and talk shit about her parents for making her get a job on top of all the other extracurriculars she has on her plate. I understand some parents, especially ones in 'high society' like ours, want their kids to know the value of money, but her parents have taken strict to a whole new level. They have her working herself to the bone just so she wouldn't have any time to participate in the 'fun' aspects of being a teenager.

Little do they know, she's saving up the money she's making to move into her own place. I tell her good for her for being brave enough to take control of her life and paving her own way to happiness.

Meanwhile, I'm doing the exact opposite.

Running from the things my mind is too weak to face. Battles I don't yet have the resources to take on have me hiding here, behind a counter at a cafe more prevalently known for its picturesque setting than its food and drink options.

Almost two months ago after that one disaster of a date, Felix called me. I wasn't going to answer on the first call, let alone the second. But after seeing the slew of texts he sent me and my filled up voicemail, I knew he wasn't going to leave me alone. And I was smarter than to think come Monday, he'd drop the issue. I'd rather this confrontation happen over the phone than in person where everyone was watching.

We talked for an hour. He apologized a dozen times, even after I dishonestly told him that he was forgiven. Confession time: that next morning I didn't really, truly care enough to be angry. Hell, I realized I didn't care at all once I got to thinking. I didn't care enough in the first place to be heartbroken about the potential end of our relationship.

And that thought scared me more than anything he could have possibly done that night.

The fact that I cared so little about our relationship to the point where I could give a damn about whether or not it was ending was alarming. As conceited as he is and as miserable as I am, I knew morally that he deserves better than that. Anybody does. So I promised him and I promised myself that I'd work harder at being a 'better' girlfriend.

And, well, that came with sacrifices.

Thus, here I am two months later, upholding that promise. I got a job on top of school and football practice, which all three took up the majority of my time. And when I wasn't doing either of those things, I'd squeeze in room in my schedule for my boyfriend. By the time all of that was taken care of, I'd be too exhausted to be tempted to do anything else.

So seeing Ruelle became less and less of an occurrence.

I've beaten myself up enough times over it. Icing her out to a point where we hardly even talk anymore, even in school. Things are awkward, I have to admit. But the threat she was posing to my routine would cause too dire of a domino effect for me to even attempt to extinguish. She was a taste of something so good and yet so forbidden. I had to choose if that was a risk I wanted to take and it wasn't.

I know it was an incredibly stupid, not to mention an extreme, move to cut her off as I have. But I've been left with no choice. My hands were bound from the moment Felix called out the changes being made to our relationship by someone he barely knew. It was either the safe route or the bumpy one and I was never known to take risks.

I assess choices and I pick the ones that allow for self-preservation. Every day I find myself thinking about Rue. In the fleeting moment of friendship we had, even colors seemed brighter. But that's all it was and all it ever could be. A moment.