Grace.

Chapter 52.

I spent the following nights falling asleep in Ria's arms after crying my eyes out. I didn't want to speak, or eat, or hangout with my friends. I did go to school, but it was just so weird. I had eyes on me everyday. Some kids were brave enough to ask what happened, but I didn't tell them anything. I didn't want to. The sight of Luke pissed me off. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him really badly.
I stopped driving. My parents thought it wasn't a good idea. Not in the state I was in. They took turns carpooling me. Going with Donna would've meant conversing with them and having them ask me questions. I was not in the mood to talk.
When I found out about Edgar and my sister, my heart was broken. But after the whole Ethan thing? I lost a part of my soul.
The realization is what must have broken me. The fact that I wouldn't feel his touch again, have him call me, have him sneak up into my room.
Gloria said it will get better with time, but a day felt like a year. Late at night, I would pull out my phone and wait for him to post a picture...but he wouldn't. I'd lie on my bed with my phone laying next to me, just staring at it, waiting for it to light up with a message from him...but it wouldn't. Then, some nights I'd scream into my pillow out of rage, because why would he do that to me?! He said I was the only girl he wanted! Maybe he deserved what he got.
No, he didn't. No one deserves what happened to him.
The only time I looked forward to was being asleep, because in my dreams I'd see him, and things would still be perfect.
My emotions were all over the place. I swear I almost lost my mind! Luckily, my friends and family were there for me. I cried so much till I reached a point where I couldn't cry anymore. I just felt numb. And then, after having moments where I'd stare at my phone, I thought of someone.
As I held the phone close to my ear, my heart skipped a beat with every second that went by waiting for him to pick up. And when he did, I went speechless for a second.
"Sweetheart. I was just thinking about you," he answered. He sounded really down.
But even though, his words and voice warmed up my insides as I melted deeper into the couch. I let out a light gasp, catching my breath again.
"Even after everything?" I worried.
"You're all I ever think about, even after everything. I've been afraid to call. I've been dying to know how you've been."
"I've been okay," I lied. But the crack in my voice couldn't help me cover it.
"What happened?"
"It's all just been a lot, Eddy. And believe it or not, I've been thinking about you too. You don't deserve what I did to you."
"You did nothing. It's all my fault, Grace. I should've been honest with you but I was scared."
"We both were. I guess fear was our biggest enemy. I should've listened to you and trusted you more."
"I was afraid to lose you. I had just gotten you and it wasn't easy. All I focused on was having you by my side no matter what. I was so selfish."
"It wasn't selfish. I- I just...I don't know, Eddy."
"It's hard to forget and to ignore. I know. And if only I had known that we'd find each other again and actually happen...but then again, I never planned for what happened between me and Gloria to happen. We were friends."
"I just want you to know that although I was angry and disappointed, my feelings for you never changed."
"Mine too. But, Grace?"
"Yeah?"
There was a long silence on the other end of the call. He was still on it because I could hear him breathing, but mine was getting difficult. Silence is never a good thing.
"I uh, you mean so much to me. You know that. There's nothing I want more than to be with you, but I don't think you see just how important that is to me. How important you are to me. I've tried everything to prove it to you..."
"Edgar..."
"Wait, Grace. As you've said, a lot has happened. Maybe we shouldn't have taken a break. No, we definitely shouldn't have taken a break. Everything is just messed up, right now. Things will never be the same now, Grace. They won't."
"But you said all those things about love and us and fighting..."
"I guess all those words were never enough. It's all messed up, Grace. All of it. I-I honestly can't talk about this now. I have to go. Goodbye, Grace."
"Eddy? Edgar!"
The line went dead and I threw the phone on the couch. I was seconds from crying when my parents walked in.
"You're lucky that phone didn't bounce off the couch," Dad commented.
"Richard, can you not see that she's distressed? What's going on, bonita?"
"Nothing," I grumbled.
"You need to give your mind a break, mi amor. I know it's easier said than done, but you've got to try. Fight it, mi amor," Dad advised.
"All that was ever on my mind the past few weeks was Ethan, at some point, Edgar. But, it was mostly Ethan." I paused to catch a breath. My tears were so close from falling. "We were so close, you know? So...so close," I whispered.
The tears finally fell down my cheek and I didn't even try to stop them.
"Querida, we've tried everything. And we know we can't expect you to be up and okay so soon, but we don't want to see you not get better."
"Mom, what are you saying?" I eyed her.
No. No!!! I knew what they were about to tell me, and I wasn't prepared for it. No ways!
"We've found you a therapist to talk to," she smiled.
"Sarah Ferguson?"
"No. We've got you someone new! I personally went out to look for the best for you," Dad boasted.
"Who?"
"You'll see on Friday afternoon."
"Do I have a choice in this matter?"
"Unfortunately, no. I know you hate it but it will give us peace of mind knowing that you're taken care of."
"Mom's right, mija. We've all got such busy schedules we don't want you to end up feeling alone. I know talking to family is better, but..."
"It's okay, Papá. I understand. I'll go to therapy. I honestly feel like it'll help me."
I never saw myself going back to seeing a therapist. But, it was childish of me to think that way. Life was going to get me one way or another. I just thought I was finally happy, with Ethan and all. Things were going great! But all the lessons I took with me were:
1.) Rejection is redirection.
2.) Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
3.) Fall in love and don't hold back, because it just might be what your soul longed for.
4.) Don't ignore heartbreak. Go through each and every emotion. It's the only way to heal, and the only way to grow.
5.) Perfection is an unrealistic expectation.
6.) "What if's" are sometimes safe, so pick the right ones.
And the last and greatest lesson I must've learned over the past few months: Don't ever, ever judge a book by its cover!
Edgar's cover caught my attention. It fitted perfectly with my collection. Its colors were warm, safe and inviting. It was familiar. A safe bet.
But Ethan's cover...
I didn't like it, but I was drawn to it. Its colors were intense, mesmerizing and hypnotic. It was like having a gun pointed to your face, only to find out later that it was nothing but a toy gun. Picking up that book was a risk. I took a risk but once that book was in my hand, and I felt its pages, inhaled its smoky and earthy scent, took the time to read it...I became obsessed.
It became my comfort book. It didn't make sense and its piece must've been the odd one out of my puzzle, but somehow, it seemed to fit. As odd and unusual as he was, someone I never pictured in my life, Ethan somehow fit into it so perfectly.