how would you feel | namjin

12

"namjoon, what do you mean?"

"i- i can't have you waiting on me, seokjin, when i've already met," i stared at my hands that seems to not stop shaking as i hesitate on whether to say her name or not.

"ciana." you continued, a small sniffle heard from your side making it obvious that you're trying to hide the fact that you're crying.

"remember the time from when i told you i hate both repetitiveness and change?"

"i do."

"we used to always go together watching the sunset, then staying at my apartment after or in some occasion, we just stay watching the moon slowly rise."

i averted my eyes from my hands to glance at you, i saw the beads of tears on the side of your eyes and all i can do is sigh as i continued to explain again.

"it was all good at first but then, i grew tired of it at some point."

"was it the same time when you met ciana?" the shakiness of your voice was still heard even with your straight stature.

i ignored your question, thinking that my answer will only add the already overflowing hurt your eyes was showing, "seokjin."

"hm?"

"i'm sorry."

that's when i saw the slow trickle of tear, only one dropped but it was enough to symbolize the dejection that you are in.

why did i hurt you when all you did was love me?

"don't be, joon. it's okay."

how can you even say that when the only emotion evident on your eyes is sadness?

why do you keep on being nice even at situations where you are the one who's hurting?

"it's not."

"i know, but let me pretend it is," you paused, sniffling one last time before continuing, "at least for once, namjoon, let me."

i blinked as my own tears blurred my vision.

i let there be no words spoken between us while i gather my cluttered thoughts.

"i want you to find a person who enjoys sunset and beaches as much as you do. a person who will love you without you needing to change what you like, what you believe is real or not; i want them to love you for who you are."

"i hope that they will love you as much as i did until i got tired." i added, but only in my mind.

i stopped, wiping away the tears on my face. if i don't wipe them early, they will soon turn to a tenacious mess, stubborn enough to not be gone by wiping with just a hand.

"why can't it be you?" your eyes signed the same time you looked directly at me.

"because, that's not me." my eyes whispered back as i finally reached out to touch your face.

"don't." you removed my hand and smiled at me softly, smile still painted with a hint of pain.

i kept both of my hands close to me and looked at your face which was turned away from me.

in a different universe, maybe you and i worked out.

maybe, instead of sitting far away from each other on this same couch we had spent time together, both hearts shattered from the realization that you and i will never be an "us" — we hold each other's hand and watch as the sun set, contented that two people are together as one.