"What makes you anxious?" He sits down and asks.
Maybe the woman in the corner staring intensely at my skin, burning red, as I think of the answer.
Maybe the way his eyes flick between me and my mum as if he's studying our every move.
Maybe the way my jumpers making me itch.
Maybe the beaming light between us.
Maybe the silence we are in trying to find the answer.
Maybe the lack of posters in this room.
Maybe the way my knuckles hurt from tapping them to keep me in reality.
Maybe the way I feel interrogated by these people I don't know.
Maybe I'm just being silly.
A normal person could answer this question, right?
I pluck up the courage and say "people"
He quickly follows by asking me, "do you feel uncomfortable now?"
I nod desperately hoping he'll give me a second to calm myself but that doesn't happen.
"What are you thoughts and feelings right now?"
Here we go again..
My palms are sweaty.
My knuckles are slowly bruising.
My stomach hurts.
My hair is touching me.
He's looking at me.
She's looking at me.
Tears are welling in my eyes.
Why are these lights so damn bright?
How do I tell him what I'm thinking when I can't even think a single thought?
Tap.
Tap..
Tap...
Upon my knuckles.
Breathe.
"I don't know."
When really I want to tell him why I feel uncomfortable.
I'm thinking about their eyes on mine.
The way she stares like she's in an art gallery.
I really want to tell him that it feels like my worlds crumbling beneath me.
I feel small in a room full of giants.
I feel the pressure building in my body.
I feel like I want to run away until he states that,
"We're just gonna leave it there."
I should feel relief but I focus on the way he sighed directly at me.
Normal people would just brush it off but I'm stuck wondering if I'm a problem.
I leave the building and instantly cry.
Not because I'm upset but because I'm angry at myself for not being a normal person.
A normal person would have spoken instead of sitting there in silence hoping someone would answer for me
A normal person would have not cared about the damn lights being so bright.
A normal person would have not been hunting for posters to look at just to avoid the contact.
A normal person wouldn't tap their knuckles until they bled.
I wish I was a normal person.
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y'all I'm finally back after 3 years!! It's been a hard journey but I'm back!!
