Afternoon (Jay Park Fanfic)

Chapter 26

Jay P.O.V

I don't know what happened.

'Let's break up'

I don't want that. I never said I wanted that. I don't even want to be on a break. That's all her idea and now she wants to break up? I don't want to do that.

I tried calling her but the call wouldn't connect. I tried texting her but my bubble popped up green.

Had she really blocked me? I just don't understand how everything just got so fucked up.

O_o

We haven't been in a good spot since we lost the baby. I know that. It was such a traumatizing experience for the both of us that recovering from the loss has been a struggle.

But it's been a burden I've shouldered alone. We couldn't even get along long enough to help each other. She's just always so angry or distant. It's like I don't even know her anymore...

It started off small.

When she switched rooms, I was completely understanding. The day we returned home after the hospital stay, our bedroom felt and looked like a murder scene had occurred in the room where we lay our heads... so I get it.

But back then she barely spoke to me... as if she was disgusted by me and disgruntled with looking at me.

I tried reaching out...

But it was like only her body was home but never her spirit. It felt like she checked out mentally. Like the day our baby left, she did too.

And again, I do get it.

But what about me? What about my feelings and experience? Because I didn't carry our child, does that mean I had no feelings involved, that I'm not taking this just as hard? I had to stay strong for her but behind closed doors, I was a mess.

The day we lost our baby was the most traumatic experience of my life because that was the day I lost my kid and almost lost my wife and there was nothing I could do about it.

I sat in the waiting room, blood on my shirt and hands, scared for Grace. There had to have been signs right? Was there something I missed? Could I have saved them both?

Now while I do know there was nothing I could do for the baby, Grace was a different story. She could've died. She lost so much blood all because I didn't notice anything was wrong. If Grace would've—

I can't even think like that.

The thought of Grace not being here makes my nose burn and my eyes water. I just can't imagine life without her no matter how much she pisses me off.

I was terrified in that waiting room. I was terrified when I was finally able to see her. But it once we had came home that my fear had grown exponentially.

My girl wasn't herself. Like mentally, she wasn't there anymore and all that was left of her was this empty shell. I tried reaching out but it never amounted to much. My touch seemed to repulse her. She never wanted to see me, holing herself up in the guest bedroom.

For months, she barely spoke to me. Even when she started feeling better. She'd come home smiling from work but those smiles were never reserved for me. I don't even remember the last time she looked happy to see me.

So I coped the only way I knew how... with a bottle and party to cover it up. I started leaving the house more often. I'd head to the studio during the day and end up at a party at night. I had an unhealthy balance of work and play. I know it's a bad way to cope but what else could I do? There's was nobody I could talk to. Yeah there was always Jiwon but what do I look like burdening a him with my problems? To tell him, "My fuckin' baby died and I'm falling apart."  How do you say that to a new father? I didn't want him to feel guilty for being happy, nor for having a happy and healthy baby, so I stuffed my feelings down for everyone's sake. And the best way to numb the pain was to drown it alcohol.