Afternoon (Jay Park Fanfic)

Chapter 33

October 2020 (Maybe Trigger Warning)

I was pretty far along to have not noticed the signs, but I guess I wasn't expecting it.

24 weeks along in the middle of a pandemic. What are the odds? The weird cravings should have said something but no, I just thought I was being picky. I wasn't having a period which now that I think about it, should've been my main indicator, but after all of that trauma we went through, I got on birth control. And not just any birth control, I got the shot which would take away my period for 3 months at a time. I got my last shot in December.

I know it sounds crazy to keep saying that I didn't know. All the signs were pointing at pregnancy but I couldn't see it... or maybe I didn't wanna see it...

I don't know.

I just...

I don't know.

I guess maybe I was ignoring the signs because I didn't think I could handle it being true. I feel like I'm betraying my unborn child. Does that even make sense? How could this be considered a betrayal?

But it feels like it is. How dare I carry this child safely without even knowing about them when I couldn't for the child I knew about? My heart hurts for my unborn. I want to cry and beg for forgiveness from a child that was never fully here. I want my child to forgive Mommy for not being able to bring them into the world. I want them to forgive Mommy for not being able to know if they were a girl or a boy. For not being able to give them a proper name... I'm sorry...

I closed my journal, wiping the tears from my face with the back of my sleeve. The temperature in Seoul had begun to fall, leaving the air with a crisp feel to it. I sat on a bench at the park outside of our apartment, needing a little air to breathe.

It was around this time last year that we lost our child and so much has changed since then. I'm trying my best to stay in the present with Jay but it's hard when your heart is stuck in the past.

My therapist had told me to start journaling as a way to help me start processing my feelings. I even let Jay read it from time to time to help him better understand how I'm feeling because he knows that sometimes it hard to find the words you're looking for when it's time for them to come out of your mouth.

My therapist said Jay should start a journal but he declined, couldn't tell you why. But he talks to me when he begins to feel overwhelmed or sad, or to express his happiness. This entire ordeal has strengthened our bond in a way I never dreamed possible.

I put my journal back in my bag, taking a deep breath before getting off the bench with a huff. My belly had begun to swell, proving the existence of my small child, but also making everyday tasks a bit harder than normal.

I tugged my face mask back of my nose, walking back towards the building when I realized I wasn't ready to go home. So I turned on my heel and walked away. I didn't know where I was going but that was perfectly okay. I wanted to feel the cold air against my skin, though my hands didn't agree. I walked to the nearest train station, getting on the 2 Line and taking myself to the Han River.

The time was nearing 7pm, which meant I still had at least an hour of sunshine before the sky would dim. I first went and rented a blanket, dropping it off in the grass, then I walked to the 7-eleven. I grabbed myself a bowl of Shin Ramen, a slice of cheese, the mini sausages, a cup of ice, a bag of the blue lemonade and a Baskin Robbins Cookies and Cream milk. I paid and made my food in the convenience store, drinking my milk while the food cooked. I tore the plastic off of my ice cup then ripped my bagged drink open and poured it in. When my food was finished, I left. I found my spot again quite easily, though sitting on the ground was quite a challenge.