Love Me on December

Kabanata 23

Kabanata 23: Enlightenment

My Dearest Daughter Rita,

My sweetheart, Mommy has been missing you and I am genuinely sorry for everything. I am sorry... I left you and your Dad when we were enthusiastic for our Christmas celebration again in every year of our lives. I am sorry, I left you anxious when I flew back to the Philippines without you and your Dad. I am sorry... I chose my first love after I got diagnose of my stage three heart cancer.

I am genuinely sorry for my selfish decisions, sweetheart. Mommy did not let you know everything, because I do not want you to worry about me especially about my health. I am sorry, I came back to my first love instead of spending my last years in existence with you and your Dad. I became selfish in the last years of my life, I left Sydney only to prolong the lost love I had with my first love in the Philippines. Even how sinful it may sound, I came back to him and committed infidelity not only to my husband but also to you, my sweetheart. I must admit, I was a gold-digger when I first met your Dad. I used him even I am still in love with my first love. I used him and even got married to him only to pay for the expenses of my treatment. But it changed when I got pregnant, expecting a new born baby and it was you, my sweetheart. Miraculously, my first stage of heart cancer was cured when I got pregnant of you. You are a blessing and a miracle to me that it changed my purpose as a wife of your father, Bob. You made me to become a wife towards your father and a mother to you, truly. I devoted my life to our family, every year, every Christmas, I always thank God that I had the chance to live longer and become true to our family as you grow and as I learn to love your father. I did not regret anything. I did not regret of going back to my first love even I already have you and your Dad, even God already gave me a perfect family in my entire life... I have no regrets. However, I am still genuinely sorry for letting you endure the pain, especially when my own great husband took his own life and left you alone. Slowly, regrets and sorrows became my karma. I could not get near to you or talk to you, sweetheart. I am also grieving for your father, my husband, even I came back to my paramour and you refusing to see me. I am very sorry, sweetheart. I miss you everyday. I wanted to see and talk to you badly, but I also understand that it pains you to see me, your mother, who have committed infidelity because of my selfishness.

I no longer have time to see and be with you again, sweetheart. You may be reading this letter when my cremation is successfully done. I keep hoping to see you again, but I no longer have hope to survive this heart cancer that I kept a secret from you. I keep hoping to celebrate another Christmas with you... but now, this is the fate I have chosen. Please, take care of yourself and keep pursuing your dreams. I miss you and I love you always, Rita, my daughter.

Love,
Mom

Wet tears fell from my eyes and it soaked the letter that I'm holding tightly with shaking palms. Giftson then embraced me into a warm hug, when my tears started pouring from my eyes after I read the letter entirely. I held onto my aching chest as I cried more on Giftson's embrace.

I have never thought... that this was all that's happening in my family... especially to my mother. I cried even more when realizations and enlightenment finally hit me.

My mother... was suffering from her cancer, and I don't even have any idea. And also, she was still in love of her first love that's why she came back to this country.

"Shhh... everything's gonna be fine..." Giftson whispered through my hair, and kissed the side of my forehead as I keep crying in agony.

Mas lalo akong umiiyak sa kaniyang dibdib, habang sumisikip pa lalo ang aking dibdib sa matinding sakit na nararamdaman ngayon.

Kung hindi lang sana ako nagmatigas na makita o makausap muli ang sarili kong ina... baka hindi ako magsisi at masasaktan ng sobra-sobra sa pagkakawala na niya talaga ngayon.