Tommyinnits Unbeatable Method Of Avoiding Sudden Death

Defenestration Bros™️

"So, Tommy, tell us about you," Philza smiles from across the dinner table.

Oh god. Tommy sweats. This is not good.

"Well," He starts with a nervous laugh.

He needs to come across as professional, mature and intellectual.

Tommy slyly averts his eyes to Clementine for help. She stares at him.

"Well, um," He stalls, stabbing a carrot. "I... "

Come on, come on. He just needs to say something normal.

He's TommyInnit. He's got this in the bag.

"I'm a criminal."

Technoblade snorts while Wilbur chokes on his glass of water.

Philza barks out a laugh, "We've gathered that, thanks though."

Tommy shoves the carrot in his mouth, face burning.

This isn't going well

This is going terrible in fact.

"You got any other hobbies?" The winged hero questions, before adding, "Besides the illegal activities."

If he speaks, he's in trouble.

Tommy hums, nodding.

Silence overtakes the table.

Technoblade coughs, "Are you going to tell us?"

Tommy shakes his head.

"Tommy, mate, we're not gonna bite your head off," Philza tries to soothe.

The teenager glances nervously over at Wilbur, who raises an eyebrow, playing innocent.

"We're not going to bite your head off anymore," Philza amends, giving a look to Wilbur.

Tommy is in doubt.

"How about your fish? Tell us about her?" Philza tries again.

" Clementine," Tommy corrects, placing his fork down. "She is a blessing, granted from the gods. I found her in a pond and adopted her. She is my daughter, and she is one of the greatest beings in existence. I tried to get her a tank but then I walked in on a robbery and nearly died. Then I found a sprite bottle and it was perfect - so that was where she resided until someone decided to throw it away. But it's fine now because she has a new one. Clementine did have a shrine at one point but it was burnt down, not by me."

Tommy finishes speaking only to find everyone staring at him in varying degrees of bewilderment and interest. He clears his throat awkwardly.

"I'm going to eat now," He announces, shoving a potato into his mouth.

"So, Clementine huh? That's a nice name," Philza says, eyes oddly soft. Tommy shifts in his seat, nodding as he chews.

"How the fuck did you get her a shrine?" Wilbur stares at him, eyebrows furrowed.

"I was manager of Manifold Inc."

"The company that makes the shitty cereal?" Techno tilts his head.

Tommy nods, "Yeah it's so fucking bad, I think they put cocaine in it."

"How the fuck did you become manager? You're sixteen, that's not even legal," Wilbur questions, eyes wide.

Tommy shrugs, "I'm mature," He justifies, "And professional."

They all stare at him in disbelief.

That's rude.

"I am, " He scowls, "Jack saw the charisma and talent and handsomeness and knew I was perfect for the role."