Tommyinnits Unbeatable Method Of Avoiding Sudden Death

The Festive Christmas Special

Ah. The festive season, when the weather turns colder and streetlights are on more often than not, when supermarkets start to advertise their 'best gifts' for Christmas and try to scam you out of your money, when you have to double up on the amount of layers you would usually wear and find last year's pair of gloves. But, most of all, the festive season is full of joy and--

"I'm not wearing that fucking hat, you dickhead!"

"Stop being difficult! It's a tradition, put it on, you gremlin!"

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I'm not playing into your weird fantasies!"

" What?! It's - it's a fucking hat! Stop making it weirder than it has to be! Look, Tubbo and Ranboo are wearing theirs!"

"Yeah cause they are weak! I have a stronger and superior resolve. Look at Techno, he's not wearing one because he's a man."

"Your misogyny is showing you little prick. Just put it on, oh my god. "

"Don't use Philza's name in vain."

"...What?"

"You heard me."

"I- Just put on the fucking hat! Put on the hat. "

"Did you forget that I am invincible to your mind games? Ha!"

"I fucking hate you!"

Phil sighs as tunes them out. Ah yes, the festive season, so much joy and cheer, cooperation and unity. Surely.

_______

Tommy crosses his arms, glaring angrily at the man, "I'm not playing into your weird obsession."

"It's- it's a fucking Christmas hat!" Wilbur protests, pulling at his own hair in frustration.

Yeah right. Does Wilbur think he's stupid?

"Uh huh, sure, and what's the point of these ' Christmas' hats?" He raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

Wilbur just squints at him, "It's a tradition. It's festive. It's cute, Phil and I do it every year. In fact, the whole headquarters does it."

"Philza does it?" Tommy frowns, disbelieving.

"Yes, the amazing Philza wears a Christmas hat," Wilbur rolls his eyes, "You're acting like you've never had Christmas with family before-- oh--"

"Shut the fuck up, you bald man," Tommy cuts him off before he can get any wrong ideas, "I-- I wasn't always an orphan y'know, I have done Christmas things before."

Wilbur is looking at him weird, all sympathetic and shit and it pisses Tommy off.

"I'm not a charity case, okay?" He stresses, "I just think your tradition is fuckin' weird," He scowls.

Wilbur places the hat down on the counter, patting it once, "Well," He says, "If you ever want to join in on the 'fuckin' weird' tradition, your hat's right there," He offers, "But if it makes you uncomfortable, that's fine too."

Tommy glares stubbornly at the hat as Wilbur brushes past him, momentarily ruffling the teenager's hair.

He's-- he's not sad or anything stupid like that, he's not even sentimental. He just doesn't want to look stupid in that stupid hat. That's all.

_______

"Michael looks so cute," Tubbo coos as places reindeer antlers on the toddler's head.

Michael stares up at him blankly.