Complicated

#25

Harry's pov.

I had been in Niall's room all night, doing coke with him. He wasn't as upset as I thought. I didn't have the heart to tell her he wanted to go on a bender with the boys on drugs and alcohol with mass amounts of girls.

I don't want to tell her that I ended up with a girl last night. I wont tell her. I'll take it to my grave, I'll keep it a secret for as long as I can.

Not that it justifies it, but me and her aren't together, so it's not like I've cheated on her. Liam is dating Maya and he did it too. I'm a terrible person and I know if I told anyone else then I'd be slammed.

I regret it deeply, but everyone was sleeping with someone and they all pushed me into it. Especially the girl I did it with.

I don't know her name, I don't even remember her face. I was so off it that I barely remember anything other than the overwhelming guilt of screwing someone that's not her.

Fuck man. Why did I do that? Why did I go and fuck myself over like that.

If she ever finds out, it's over between us. I trust the boys won't let anything slip, but the girls? If they say something then I'm done for.

I doubt they were sober enough to remember it either, but I don't want to find out if they actually do remember it.

While I'm walking with her, holding her hand and protecting us and our relationship status from the paparazzi, I can't help but think about last night. I hate myself for it.

She doesn't deserve me. Her heart is too pure for this hurt. She doesn't know of it, but I know she's suspecting it. Especially with the extra affection and the over protectiveness. She's going to put the pieces together.

I know she knows I'm on coke, I saw how her eyes dilated when she saw mine, it wasn't a lust change, it was a shock change. I saw how her body froze when she saw the bloody veins all around the whites of my eyes. I could almost hear her heart drop when she saw that even New York's sun couldn't dilate my pupils.

I know she's not going to mention it in public, she doesn't want to cause a scene, she doesn't want to break my image for if anyone heard. I love how she's considerate of those things, but sometimes I wish she would just slap me in the face and tell me to get my act together.

I'm usually affectionate, just not this affectionate. Especially in public. Being open about who I'm talking to or who I'm seeing is like a nightmare to me. It's a horrifying thought, id hate for her to get death threats just for dating me; she's already fragile because of her childhood.

She's tough, she's not weak. The trauma of her childhood pushed her to mature early. She's been through too much for the age she is.

If I could start anyones sentence over again and programme it so that they had a better life, I'd choose hers any day, any time and any where. Even if I only got to do this once.

I love her, and I'm pretty sure she knows this, so why I went off and fucked some other girl..? I have no idea. I'm disappointed in myself and I'm ashamed.

I think of it like she knows, I have to stop worrying.

If it ever gets mentioned I don't think I'd ever tell her the truth. Id tell her it's a lie. The truth hurts, and this truth will hurt her too much. Sometimes it's better to lie than to spill the truth, just to protect the person your hiding it from.

After a long walk, we made it back to the hotel. I made sure not to rush her, and that we took our time. I don't want her to throw up again, I could tell by her reaction to the incident that she hated being sick.