Perfect (bo burnham fanfiction)

~ chapter twenty three ~

• Coralines POV •
*flashback*
"you know coraline, if i ever had a kid, i would want a daughter so someone in the house could have hands to fit inside the pringle can." bo said, unsticking his hand from an almost empty pringles can.

"is that all you want a kid for? to use them for pringle cans?" i smirked at him.

"yep. when they grow up i dont know what ill do with them." i laughed and the air fell silent again.

"would she be my daughter?" i said, cautiously, but also funny, so it could be taken either way.

"only if you want," he said, then kissing my temple. we were sitting in our usual position, but him being 11 feet tall, he was obviously higher than me. he had to lower his neck a little just to kiss my temple. i liked it, but i wasn't so sure about how he felt.

later that night, i ate a whole pizza. a whole pizza! i felt like a cow but honestly, i didnt care. bo is the one i love. bo didnt judge me, didnt shun me, and hasn't left me. surprising, i know.

"tell me something you haven't told anybody," bo abruptly said after we (mostly i) finished the pizzas.

pft, where do i start, i think. "um.." i think hard. everything is so boring, nothing interesting. i don't have many 'secrets'. i just don't talk to anybody. "well..." gosh, this was harder than i thought. "i dont know. everything i can think of is basically just stuff about me that you probably have already picked up on."

he shook his head. disapproval.

"are you catholic?" i asked him. he said he went to a catholic school but he mocks god in and out of his comedy so i wasn't sure if he actually believed in one or not.

"i dont know. i was raised all my life to be a catholic, but i just dont know. i really dont know what actually classifies as being atheist so.."

"im an agnostic-atheist..." i said. "i haven't told anybody that before." which was true. my parents weren't hardcore christians, but they did go to church every now and then. they probably weren't the best little christians but better than i was, i guess. bo looked confused, so i explained; "agnostic-atheist is when you do not believe in a god but have no proof to prove otherwise. or, you just have no proof? i dunno. you get the point, right? basically atheist. but i don't, like, believe in the devil or anything. is that a thing? i don't know. i just don't believe in it." i finished my ramble, only to look over at bo, who is play sleeping. i punch him. he laughs and 'wakes up'.

"no, but really thats cool. i still dont know what i am. but i guess it doesn't matter." i nod my head, showing him i agree.

we sit in silence for a while, me looking at him the whole time. his face from the side was beautiful as well. he was just a very beautiful man. he looks at me and we both smile. his eyes gleam and i can feel myself blushing. his eyes were truly the best part of him. well, along with the rest of him. he was the best.

its almost like he can read my mind, because he starts smiling and then goes in for a kiss. i kiss back, and it lasts a while before we both break off and i end up on his lap. "you're so cute" he says, our foreheads touching, both of us breathing slightly heavy from the lack of oxygen previously.

"you're cuter," i say and give him a quick kiss before i get up to turn the lights off, and we both lay down. we fall asleep in each others arms.
*end of flashback*

i smile, remembering that day very clearly. it was the night i ate a whole pizza and he still wanted to kiss me. a boy, kiss me, psycho pizza girl. crazy, i know.

i feel a tear slide down my cheek. how could he just yell at me like that? its like he thinks i enjoy cutting myself, like its for attention. its my coping mechanism. its not like 'oh nobody notices me *slit* do you love me now?' like everybody thinks. its only for me. its on my hideous body. why does anyone else care?

i start full on crying, rapidly wiping tears away from my eyes trying to remember when me a bo weren't fighting. this was our first actual fight, and i guess you could say thats a good thing. it scares me though, me being me. i think i like to get a rise out of people. i always got into arguments with classmates, over simple things, but i just like to be right. i like to get attention, i guess. for the right things though. not for cutting. im just a whiney little baby i would say.

i ran out of the house, and down the streets a little ways so if bo really wanted to, he could come find me. he hasn't yet though, so im guessing he doesn't care. who would, honestly. what is he even doing with me? im so lame. i don't make him laugh, im not really even pretty, im fat, god just everything. im terrible.

i remembered when i asked him if we could get a cat. i wanted to name it pepe, so it would look french but in reality it would be pronounced pee-pee because pee-pee always made me laugh. he shook his head and just continued. i bugged him for a week about it until he finally said that he would 'think about it', even though theres nothing to really think about. it was a simple plan, buy a cat, or steal it for all i care, and name it peepee so i could laugh at it. after that, i wondered if he would get me one for my birthday, but that was a couple months away and i didnt want him to get me anything anyways. i still want that cat more than anything.

i remember that i had my phone in my pocket and i take it out and look at it. i had forgotten i shut it off, so i turned it on and waited. he probably didnt even call. i dont know why im looking. it turned on and holy cow, were there a lot of messages. all of them from bo, me missing a total of 8 calls from him and much much more texts. im thinking about 15. all of them saying "i dont wanna push you but please come back' or something along that order. there are 3 voicemails that were left, and i dont even bother listening to them.

i stand up, look both ways, and look at my phone again. 3:16 pm was the time. ive been out for more than half an hour, and i figure that wasn't enough so i continue walking down the streets. my phone buzzes several more times before i finally answer it.

i dont have enough emotional strength to answer it so i made him talk first. "coraline?" he says, very shaky. if i didn't know better it would sound like he'd been crying. "coraline, baby.." he sounds taken back, but he pauses. theres a silence on the line before i realize how big of a baby i am. so dramatic, always.

"im sorry bo, i just need to be alone for a while. ill be back, i promise."

its almost like i can feel him smile through the phone as he happy sighs. "okay. i love-"

i hang up before he can finish it. i cant say it back, not after what just happened. i would come back. it might be a day, or a couple hours, or minutes. i don't know yet, i just want to be alone for once in my life.
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