Survivin' - [B.C.]

Chapter 33: Hot Tub Time Machine

"A mötley crew, a rodeo
A goddamn zoo, a circus show
But oh, don't you know how it goes
We are all walking each other home..."

========= SURVIVIN' =========

My eyelids scraped open like sandpaper. My dry mouth hung wide open and my jaw had gone stiff. Drool was caked alongside of my cheek. A headache raged within my skull. Everything hurt and I was mentally drained as if I'd just spent five consecutive months under constant social pressure.

Oh wait — I had.

Anyway, I've never had a hangover, but I imagined that that's what it felt like. Pretty close, anyway. Definitely not fun.

Oh fuck it's 2022.

Oh fuck I fell asleep on the stairs.

Like a zombie, I raised my arm up into the air and groped around until my fingers finally wrapped around something solid -- the banister. I hoisted myself onto my feet, one of them slipping out from underneath me and giving me a heart attack as I landed upright on the step below the one I was previously on. I exhaled and then looked down.

That... would've been a long fall.

I looked around me and saw that I was in the foyer.

And the foyer is trashed.

And Johnny Depp is sitting on a throne of balloons sipping ginger ale out of a crystal wine glass.

I blink. Rub my eyes. Blink a few more times.

"I'm still here," Johnny's voice comes out low and deep, without him even having looked up. I want to laugh incredulously. I want to say; "hey, that's not supposed to be there!" but all I can do is nod my head and go, "sup."

Then I slip and fall down the rest of the stairs.

"Enjoy your trip?" Johnny's voice is muffled as my face is shoved into the wonderous marble floor. I can taste blood trickling into my mouth as I open it to speak.

"Eat me."

There is a pause.

"No thanks."

I groan louder that humanly possible as I'm shoving myself onto my feet. I almost fall backwards but I don't, and the movement of my face muscles sparks a stinging pain inside my nose. My hands fly up to it and come away smeared with blood.

Great, I think.

I look up.

"You're still here..." I mumble when I see Johnny carelessly swirling his drink in his glass. He hums.

"No, I am simply an illusion caused by your insanity."

I roll my eyes. "What happened last night?"

Johnny looks up at me. "We had a party."

"Well no shit," I retort. "But what happened at the party?"

"A bunch of people got shitfaced. Most of them walked home in packs, the others called ubers. I think one of them was injured by the chandelier..."