This Reality

19: The Return

A/N
Hello, friends!
I'm so sorry I haven't uploaded in a while! Oh dear.
Anyway I have news, and that news is I finally have a tumblr! (wow I tackled technology well done me) the url is awkwardspacerobot so yeah follow me if you want, I'll check out some of your blogs! (shameless self promotion, woo)
And so ends my awkward note. Enjoy!

The journey home takes quite a bit longer than the journey there. During the journey they turn on the radio and listen to the news, only to hear that the Leaders aren't in power anymore.

A new government has come in. They are like the Leaders except they allow creativity, which makes the people all feel liberated and free.

The first thing Astrid and Tiger want to do without these restrictions is simply to read and write. They want to let their imaginations free. They have both been through a lot and can finally write things they can relate to.

In the meantime however, it's time to go home.

It may only be midday but they are all feeling drained, both emotionally and physically and so they all fall asleep (apart from Jax who is currently driving).
Or at least, Astrid tries to sleep.
She stays awake for a while, thinking. About her home, about her family, about the people around her. The van drives on.

And when the van stops to be filled with fuel at a service station, and everyone gets out of the vehicle to stretch their legs, go to the bathroom and grab a drink and a snack, Astrid doesn't move. She lies still, and the others leave her to sleep while they pop out.

And then they come back, and start up the gas, and they're on their way again. The van drives on.

Questions, so many questions, floating in and out of her head.

What will my house look like? Will it be empty? Will it hurt to be faced with memories of my childhood, with old photographs and drawings I did when I was three and the orange juice stain on the carpet from when I was four and the trees I planted in the garden with my parents when I was five and the few short years I spent with my brother before I left?
Maybe it will.
And consumed by thoughts, and absolutely exhausted, she falls asleep.

As she sleeps, it's my turn to think. Am I prepared to visit home? I remember everything from her childhood. Our childhood. And I don't let her know these things for a reason. If she knows, what she will see at her house will bring back a tidal wave of memories and it will break her. It breaks me to even think about it. If I had a choice, I would not go into that house. But it's not my decision, as I can't exactly control her. If she knew what I remember, she wouldn't go into the house. And no, I can't just tell her in order to keep her out, because knowing will, like I said, hurt her.

I may come off as strong. I may seem like a harsh, cold, emotionless subconscious, but it hurts me too. It all does. And, truth be told, I am terrified of going home.

A few hours later, everybody wakes up. They have arrived after the long journey and it's very late at night. Milla is the first to speak.
"Astrid, it's late. Can we do this tomorrow?"
Astrid yawns in response.
Milla smiles. "I'll take that as a yes, then."

They unpack the van and head back to Jax and Milla's apartment, as the Permitters' haedquarters are closed.

"Milla and I will sleep in our room," Jax begins, looking at Astrid and Tiger, "but there's only a double bed in the guest room so you two will have to share, sorry."

"That's okay," says Tiger, rubbing their eyes, "I'm too tired to mind."
They get ready for bed and wind down.
It is a peaceful night.

•

"Astrid."
"Astrid."
"Dammit Astrid, wake up!"
It's Tiger, trying to wake her up.
"Okay, okay, I'm awake," she groans, sitting up.
"Breakfast?" Tiger suggests.
"Hmm..."
"Let me put that another way," they laugh, "bacon?"
"Yes!"

An hour or so later, they are full, showered, dressed, and ready to leave. Astrid's old home isn't far from where Jax and Milla live, so they walk there.

As they walk the few blocks to get there, Jax speaks to Astrid.
"Are you sure you want to do this? You know you don't have to," he says calmly.
"Why wouldn't I want to?" asks Astrid with a hint of suspicion.
"No one has been in your house since you were taken away and your parents were arrested, everything will be the same."
Yes, and don't I know it.
"I think I can handle it."
Maybe you can, but maybe I can't.

They arrive at the doorstep. "Ready?" asks Milla, putting her key in the door.