The Two Of Us

Chapter 17

UKHONA MTHEMBU

I'm not confused, I know what I want. I want nothing to do with those evil people. I don't care if that old man, my supposed grandfather, who did this to my mother died a hundred years ago, I just don't want to see any of his sperms. I know she didn't tell me about Nathi but I care less about that right now. In fact, it doesn't matter, what matters is that I wasn't raised by those entitled, self-centered snobs. All they care about is money and I value people, love and all the things that are not material. Right now, I don't care if I get another seizure and die in the process.
Gosh! I'm such a liar and right now, I am lying to myself more than I am lying to anyone else. I am sitting on my bed wide awake and it's barely 5am. I've been having these dreams about my father, a big happy family and all that. Maybe it's what I've always wished for and it just stuck in my mind after yesterday's disappointment. I mean, I don't see it happening anymore.

I can't believe that I was out there thinking I've finally found love only to find that the guy is my damn brother. Not a half-brother but we're of the same sperm and ova? The dimple couple my foot! I always knew that there was no way in Ramaphosa'a country that a guy like him would ever fall for a girl like me. It was obviously the blood relation thing. He cared because he's my brother! My fuckin' brother! Amanda will pop a champagne for this and pour a 5kg of salt on my bleeding wound, reminding me what I already know. That a little taste of what I thought was true love and I was all over the place thinking I was all that.

It's impossible to love me even my mother was casted out and cut off while pregnant of me, it's a thing I was born with. A thing I inherited before the sun could kiss my dark skin. I'm afraid they will treat me the same as my maternal side of the family. Always an outcast and picked up on. I'm afraid they will remind me that I was born out of wedlock or how my mother couldn't keep her legs closed that she became a mother of two children at the age of seventeen. If the family put their wealth and riches before their emotions, I don't think we'll click nor will they have time for my bruised self. I'm afraid I will not be welcomed, I am the child of a gold digger after all and in their eyes, she's using me to dig more of it.

I don't even trust the man himself, Nathi never talked about him, he'd ignore his calls sometimes. I'm sure they don't have a good relationship of which raise brows in questioning. How's he going to treat me then? Argh! I hate how this whole situation is taking me back to square one. How it raises my fears and insecurities to its peak. I grab a pillow and throw it against the dressing table that's facing the bed  letting out a hawl of egony as I let myself sink back into the bed. I just want to live a normal life! Is that too much to ask?
"I just want to live a normal life!" I scream out not caring if it's interrupting my mother's beauty sleep. The situation couldn't get any worse, now the tears are pouring into my ears.

"Baby? Are you okay?" that's my mother asking behind the door.

"I'm fine, I just dropped something."

Like she knows that I don't want to talk to her nor do I want to talk about this, she says okay and leave.

^

^

It's 9am and I still haven't left my room. I'm sitting here like a white kid jotting down the pros and cons of meeting up with my dad. It's definitely not working. In frustration, I tear the page off, shrink it into a ball and throw it against the door.

"Ouch!" that's my mother's voice. God never loved me, I just hit my mother.

"Sorry, I was..."

"It's okay," she cuts in then there's awkward silence. I'm avoiding look at her by all means.

"I made your favorite."

"Thanks but I'm not hungry."

"A movie?"