ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ ɪ'ᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʀᴏʙʟᴇᴍ | ʙ.ᴇ.

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ᴛᴡᴏ

now

I stared at my wife with an emotionless expression as I leaned against our kitchen counter. She stared back at me while sitting on the couch, her head rested in her hand that was on the arm of the sofa. Her expression was the same as mine.

We were probably thinking the same thing. How did we get to this point in our marriage?

I felt my heart ache ever so slightly, wanting nothing more than to be alone right now. Letting my tears fall freely in private. I never could explain the pain of loss without actually losing someone. Nobody died, and yet I feel the epitome of sadness as if someone did.

I blinked before pushing from the counter, walking right past her and to our bedroom. I wanted to take a shower. That's the only time I could cry without her seeing me. I couldn't bare her seeing me like this.

I could hear her deeply sigh when I closed our bedroom door. In our dream house that we've always talked about. Without the family we dreamt of. And it was all my fault.

I turned on the hot water before stripping from my clothes that clung to me. I made sure the door was locked before I stepped under the water. I allowed the liquid to seep into my hair while I rested my head against the tile wall. I sniffled while trying to blink my tears away. It was no use.

The dam behind my brain broke and I felt the warm tears mix in with the shower water. My lips trembled and I cried hard. Silently but hard.

I felt a new type of liquid stroll down my leg. It was crimson red and always a reminder of why I turned out the way I am today. I wasn't always this unhappy, this drained. I actually loved to live life freely and with the women I love. But now I feel like a burden.

I turned my head until my face was mushed into the wall. I took gasping breaths before breaking again and again and again until I couldn't handle it.

When I officially became drained enough I stepped out of the shower before slipping on underear with a pad on and a long night shirt. When I entered my room Billie was already there, lying on her side with her back away from me. Just like we were every night. Same bed, same sheets, same cover. I still don't remember the last time she held me, especially after we had sex.

I grabbed some pain medication before popping it into my mouth, swallowing without water. I stared at my partners back before crawling into our bed. I missed her like hell even though she was here, but I just can't bring myself to express to her how I yearn for her touch. How can she feel so far, so distant but is laying right behind me?

We went another night without exchanging 'i love yous' and it made me wonder if she still loved me. But then again if I was in her shoes.....

I wouldn't love me either