ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ ɪ'ᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʀᴏʙʟᴇᴍ | ʙ.ᴇ.

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ sɪx

now

A month passed since Billie and I's interaction at Finneas' house. When we got home that day we continued on with our lives as if it never happened. Mostly on my part. I avoided her as soon as we stepped through the door. I took another shower and wept like a widow.

And then I got out of the shower as if nothing happened.

Billie and I were currently at her parents house for a family gathering. Maggie usually had these met ups every couple of years. Bil and I always attended them. Mostly for her mother. I tried to distance myself as much as possible. I knew I wasn't prepared for the questions that were going to be asked. I was hoping people had got the memo of our situation.

"Scotland sweetheart, you haven't aged a day." A women with grey stands walked over to Billie and I with a cigarette in hand. I put on a fake smile, as did my wife. "Well she's only 28 Aunt Vivian." Billie let out a small genuine laugh. It made me glance at her with a small smile. I haven't heard her laugh in what felt like a lifetime.

The following conversation wasn't necessarily aimed at me, unless we were talking about jobs and income or whatever is important to most adults. I stayed out of most of the conversation and leaned against Billie's chest.

And just when I thought we were in the clear of this talk, the question I've been dreading left Vivians mouth. "So have you two been thinking about having any children of your own? Though I know you're still young but it's almost around that time isn't it?" I felt my whole body tense against Billie's. I knew she felt what I was feeling in this moment.

I bit the inside of my cheeks, answering before Billie could. "We're still trying." My voice came out more bitter than I thought it would but I didn't care. Not even a little. Billie avoided her relatives gaze, not even meeting mine. "Excuse me." I pulled from Billie's arms and paced through the grass to try to get into the house and to the bathroom. I felt sick. My stomach twisted unpleasantly. I felt like I was going to be sick from my nausea.

And in an instant I vomited all of the food I had eaten into the toilet. I won't go into detail about how gross that was. Including the process of cleaning it up. I sat in the bathroom for a good five minutes after I cleaned myself up just staring into space. I needed time to collect my emotions.

The doornob twists before revealing Billie. She was out of breath and sweat was formed on her forehead. "I thought you left. I didn't see our car for a good few minutes, but when I found it I knew you were in here." She rushed all of that out in one breath. I smiled slightly before looking at the floor.

Billie stepped into the slightly small space, closing the door behind her. She pulled me from the toilet lid, sitting down in my place and pulling me onto her lap. She rested her head on my shoulder. We sat there with each other for at least five minutes. I could still feel the rush of her heartbeat.

It made me worry. "Do you have your asthma pump on you?" I asked looking at her. She nodded, wrapping her arms over mine. She squeezed me tightly. Like I would disappear if she let go. She didn't look me in the eyes, especially after she asked me a question. "Do you still want me, Scotland?"

An aching thump shot through my chest. "Yes, I do. Why would you-"

"I was just asking." She cut me off before burying her face into my shoulder. My eyes didn't waver from her form. I could feel her body slowly build up to shake against mine. I turned to wrap my arms around her. I wasn't heartless and I didn't hate her. I just fought with my own demons. We dealt with them differently.

Just like the day we met. We shared a mutual pain but chose to deal with them differently. And I hated that I was like that. But it's all I could do. My mother wasn't there emotionally and I didn't have a father to fall back on. That was reveled with my poor choices of choosing in a future groom a few years back. I was on my own until I met Billie. And I wish my soul would allow her to give me the reassurance I needed.

I bured my face into the space between Billie's head and my chest. My lips were right by her ear. "Baby, I love you so much." That made her cry harder which causes me to hold her closer. Today was one of the days I could see her as broken as me and not feel bad for it, or blame myself.

I soothed out her hair, pressing kisses to her temple. I hated what our marriage has turned into. If I knew from the start that I couldn't give kids to the women I loved from the beginning then this wouldn't have hurt as much.

I held her in this bathroom for as long as she needed, like she had done with me countless of times. It wasn't rare for Billie to cry but since our situation has happen, it has. As time progressed, the less I saw her tears.

I wanted to take every ounce of pain from her, but I knew I couldn't.