ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ ɪ'ᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʀᴏʙʟᴇᴍ | ʙ.ᴇ.

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ᴇɪɢʜᴛ

now

I took the knife and sliced through another potato. I took caution of the way I held the knife. Making sure I didn't give in to my intrusive thoughts of diving the knife through my actual hand.

I blanked rapidly while pushing back those thoughts. I was cooking dinner. I haven't in a while. It was a good distraction for me. I was home alone. I placed the freshly cut up fries into a bowl of ice cold water and let them sit. While they were sitting in the cold water I washed my hands and sat on the couch to watch TV.

I watched Black Mirror until the timer went off. I took the potatoes fries out and chopped them into cubes. As I was doing so the front door opened causing me to look up. Billie was home early from work. I avoided eye contact before she could see me and I continued what I was doing.

When I opened the fridge I notice how dirty it had gotten. I needed to clean it as soon as possible. I opened the freezer door to pull out frozen veggies and put them on the counter as well. I knew my wife didn't eat meat so I'm making two separate meals.

When I looked up again I saw her looking at me while taking her coat off. She didn't have a smile on her face nor did she have a frown. It was neutral. We haven't talked about the situation at her mother's house since it happened and I didn't plan on actually speaking about the way it made me feel. So I buried it with the rest of the luggage I had packed down.

"How was work?" I managed to get the words out. Billie rounded the counter to kiss the side of my head. I let her. She looked at me preparing the food and a small smile made its way on her face. "Long."

That sentence was short and simple. She wrapped her arms around me from behind as she stared at the television screen. Black mirror was still playing. I hated the way my body slightly tensed at the affection. If my wife noticed, she didn't let it show.

She stayed close to me as I finished up dinner. She even took a quick shower and rejoined me as we ate and watched TV on the couch. Moments like this we felt okay. Moments like this it felt like our marriage was okay. Like we were going to be okay. Times like this where we sat in each other embrace without kissing and escalating it.

I looked at her from the corner of my eyes, seeing her try to keep her eyes open. I unwrapped myself from her arms and put a couch pillow on my lap allowing her to lay down. I put a blanket over her. When she snuggled into me and fell asleep. I just stared at her. For the longest time. I ran my fingers through her hair and kissed it.

I didn't have the energy today to argue. Or push her away. I just wanted her close without the affection. I turned the TV off and laid my head on hers, falling asleep on the couch.

While we pretended to be okay, the box in our room had a timer on it. And it was only a matter of time before one of us decides to let it explode. It's always calm before the storm. And I knew when the storm hit. It was going to be hard.

Painful.