ᴍᴀʏʙᴇ ɪ'ᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʀᴏʙʟᴇᴍ | ʙ.ᴇ.

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ғᴏᴜʀ

now

"How have you been?" I looked off to the side, picking at the flowers in the garden trying to avoid the answer to that question. It's repetitive. I decided to visit Claudia today. I didn't have any siblings. I couldn't escape my prison of a home. I wanted to, but the prison was inside me. I was the problem.

I tried to get out today. My therapist suggested I get air whenever I felt too cluttered. But that was all the time. I couldn't even answer Claudia truthfully, or so I didn't. But the look she gave me after my hesitant response made me give in. "I've been trying to keep myself alive." As dark as that sounded it was the truth. Getting through the week was hard. Most weeks I could deal with Monday, but today I didn't want to make it to Tuesday.

I bit my tongue at the selfish thought. There were too many people who cared about me to just end it all just because I couldn't bare a damn child.

I kept my gaze on my lap. Claudia didn't say anything after that. She paused from planting flowers and took her gloves off. "Come on."

She pulled me inside while she walked over to the sink to wash her hands. I sat in a chair at her island counter. I could only stare at the marble interior in despair. My thoughts were flooding with Billie and how I made the last five years of her life, our life, a living hell. I wanted to punch myself over and over again for it. I didn't want this life for her, but I couldn't let her go.

I'm madly in love with her ... but is disgusted everytime she touched me. Everytime she looks at me lovingly, I can't help but be disgusted with myself. She shouldn't love me the way I think she does. And it kills me.

Claudia's arms wrapped around me in a tight hug. It surprised me. I didn't have the tears today. I couldn't cry in her arms. I couldn't cry in anyone's arms anymore except my own.

"I am so sorry." Her voice cracked.

For what? It wasn't her fault. None of this is. Her body is perfectly fine, it's able to give Finneas the family they wanted. They're able to do those movie clichés, running around through the grass with their family. Their children.

Nothing was wrong with Billie, she was also perfectly fine. I was again the problem. Which is why I want her to leave me. I want her to hate me so much that she doesn't miss me. And she can live the life she wants. I know she does. She'll be able to give Maggie grandkids, give Finneas a neice or nephew. Or even both.

I was just a broken girl, with a broken family and a broken damn life. My life was damned the moment I came out of my mother's womb. If there was a God, why would he punish me like this? I wondered what I had did that was so wrong to deserve what my life had turned into.

I could hear the comforting words coming from Claudia's mouth but they were deaf to my ears. I've heard them multiple times, especially from Billie. The days where she held me so tightly that I didn't want her to let go. The nights where I cried in her arms and she just let me. Back when I wasn't such a burden and a bother.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when the sound of the front door was closing. Claudia wiped her tears immediately and backed away from our hug. I hadn't known she was crying. I patted my face for tears. I was glad that I didn't find any.

Footsteps were approaching us. I knew it was Billie and Finneas. I looked from the doorway before they could enter. I didn't want to look Billie in the eyes today. It would only pull me further into the dark abyss of my mind. I would end it if I saw her sadness.

I felt her presence coming closer to me. I didn't know what she was going to do so I froze like a statute. I could feel Claudia and Finneas staring at us. I saw Billie's hands appear on each side of me. Her head dipped into the side of my neck which she kissed. It was gentle. As if I was fragile. Mostly just scared of my reaction.

I allowed myself to face her, but I didn't meet her eyes. Her head blocked Claudia's and Finneas view of my face. Billie's eyes were closed as she took me in. Taking in the moment of me allowing her to touch me. I mostly let her so she wouldn't embarrass herself in front of her family.... our family.

I frowned slightly as I stared at her flawless face. Somebody else could appreciate this more than I could, but I can't allow that. Because I love this girl so much but my mentality won't let me enjoy the love I have for her.

In the heat of the moment I leaned in pressed a soft kiss against her lips. Billie sighed pleasantly. It was quick but I knew it meant a lot to her. I closed my eyes and rested my head against hers when I pulled back. Just like it had yesterday, my body yearned for her. I stayed wrapped up in her. Even when I heard Finneas and Claudia leave I didn't move.

"I love you, baby." Those words came out so broken. It came out in a whisper. Like she was exhausted. I clenched my teeth together to prevent me from crying. She was home for me, at least for right now she felt like it.

This moment was so uplifting. It almost put my mind at ease. That was until a shooting pain came from my abdomen. It made me flinch away from my wife. I pulled away and looked back down at the table top. The sudden movement cause Billie to open her eyes.

She stared at me sadly, I could feel the energy radiating from her. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. She stared at me for what felt like a while before giving up. "Let's go home."

She walked out of the kitchen without me.