Above our heads

Part 13

I was dreaming some kind of nonsense. I opened my eyes. I was all wet. I turned on my side and wanted to snuggle up to Her to chase away a bad dream, but realized that She was not there.

I jumped up and immediately opened the closet. Things were in place. But the panic still appeared. She wasn't in the kitchen or on the balcony. I looked at my watch: it was 3 a.m. The sofa in the big room was also empty. I got dressed and ran out into the yard. She was lying on a bench and smoking. She was wearing a short skirt, which I really liked. Autumn gave a reprieve to summer unexpectedly and it was very warm.

- Damn, you scared the shit out of me! Why are you here alone? Let's go to bed..

She didn't answer. I sat down on the edge of the bench. She was looking up at the sky. His eyes were the color of sadness.

- I'm just thinking.

Emboldened, I sat closer and put Her head on my lap. She didn't push me away, but apparently she hasn't forgiven me yet. I took the cigarette from Her, took a drag myself:

- About what?

She didn't look at me, but continued to look at the dark overcast sky.

- About us... I'm thinking what to do next.

I asked cautiously:

- Have you already decided something?

She closed her eyes:

- We are marking time with you in the same place. And then there's the baby...

I gently brushed Her unruly hair from Her forehead, sighed:

- I'll pull myself together, I promise...

"That's not the point...

She paused:

- I just need to be alone for a while.

I put my hand on my heart: I had a feeling that it would just stop now:

"Without me?"

- yes.

- What I think doesn't matter?

She took my hand. She looked at my palm for a long time, tracing along the lines with her finger:

- I need some kind of stability, some kind of island of calm. You're always trying to destroy yourself, and that makes me feel bad too. It's like we're starting over from scratch every day. But it won't work that way with a child. Children need a mom and dad who will love him and each other.

- I already love him.

I put my hand on Her stomach:

- After all, he is a part of us.

She touched my lips. My fingers were cold:

- Listen to me. I don't want a repeat of my parents' family...

I was surprised:

- I think you have great parents.

She squeezed my hand:

- My father drank all my childhood, beat my mother and me. I remember everything perfectly. I dreamed that they would get divorced or that something would happen to him. He somehow left me little in the forest in winter and I got out myself for 3 hours. Strangers helped me get home. He never stood up for me. I was always bad for him. I hardly talk to him.

- Well, is everything different now?

Of course I was shocked by Her story. Parents never raised a hand against us, never raised their voice. The only time Dad gave me a slap on the head in his heart and then apologized for a long time.