Miserable at best

funeral

i have a friend i call
when i've bored myself to tears
and we talk until we think we might just kill ourselves
but then we laugh until it disappears
-phoebe bridgers
funeral

luke was doing a lot better, the outpatient therapy was really helping him and he had learned how to deal with a lot of his food anxiety in a better way. he had been tracking his food intake but not looking at calories as he had gotten a nutritionist. his nutritionist, julien, was helping him make weekly meal plans and she was doing grocery shopping with him when luke was up to going otherwise she was doing his shopping for him. it was helping a lot, grocery stores really triggered him and when he had to go without ashton it would very often end up in him leaving with advertised low calorie items and significantly less than he needed. ashton on the other hand had been in outpatient for 4 months now but he wasn't exactly getting better and michael, who was driving him could tell.

it was 3am and ashton was wide awake, at 1am he gave up on sleeping and ventured downstairs. he was distracting himself with tv until his thoughts became too loud and he brewed a pot of coffee and went outside. he sat down on his hill and pulled out his phone, he didn't want to wake anyone up but at the same time he needed to talk or he was actually going to kill himself. he couldn't will himself to wake up luke so he turned on his phone and called michael.

michael was sleeping, obviously but he's been sleeping with his ringer on so any of the boys could talk to him if needed, when his phone started ringing at 4:07am he groaned and hoped it didn't wake up crystal but it did and she didn't mind. michael felt around for his phone and his heart dropped seeing it was ashton. he sat up and looked at crystal who nodded, he took the phone call and started to get out of bed. leaving his new finacee to sleep as he walked to the backyard.

"ashton? what's going on"

ashton took a deep shaky breath on the other side of the phone "i want to die michael, i want to kill myself and i dont know what to do" he started crying while talking, saying it out loud made it real and he couldn't deal with that.

"did anything specific set you off"

"i cant sleep and i've just been thinking about everything and spiraling. i don't know michael, nothing seems worth it. i have nothing to look forward to."

"can you see yourself and luke having a life together? getting married? maybe having kids?"

ashton didn't talk for a minute, he would love to do those things with luke but how realistic is it? "i want to, but im so fucked i wouldn't be a good dad. i don't want to be a bad father to a kid. and yeah i want to marry luke but i honestly can't see that far into the future michael. i just know in the next few months there's nothing i want to keep living for at all. so what's the fucking point?"

michael wasn't exactly sure what to say. he didn't want to be an asshole and be selfish but nothing was getting across to ashton and he was so scared they'd hang up the phone and ashton would do it. "i can't do this without you ash" he said as he walked back inside and to his bedroom where crystal was in the bathroom, he knocked on the door and waited for her, "ashton i love you so much and i honestly can't see a life for myself if you're not in it" michael looked at crystal and she nodded pulling out her phone to call calum. the two could read each other very well - michael was telling crystal he needed to go to ashtons and she knew he needed calum.

ashton sighed and walked inside, staying on the phone with michael but not saying anything while michael continued to say how much he "needed ashton" which was just a lie. nobody could possibly need ashton, what does he bring to the table? more problems? of course nobody wants that. he walked into the bathroom on the first floor and grabbed a bottle of tylenol. michael had stopped his scpheel on how much he loves ashton a few minutes ago and was now worriedly saying ashton's name into the phone and repeating that he was on his way. ashton had muted his microphone and didn't care. why should he. he unscrewed the cap and poured a solid 1/3 of the bottle into his hand, he looked at himself in the mirror and tossed them into his mouth followed by a swig of water. he repeated this process two more times until the bottle was gone. he knew this wasn't instant and that he'd be okay for a little bit. he grabbed a blade and stared at it for a little, he doesn't need to cut - everything will be over soon anyways.

michael pulled into lukes driveway scared out of his mind, he ran into the house with an unlocked door and was relieved to see ashton sitting on the kitchen counter crying with his phone not in sight. he must have just walked away from his phone, he's okay. michael wrapped his arms around ashton and ashton clutched michael's tee shirt and sobbed. calum popped in shortly after michael arrived and joined them on the kitchen counter. the three talked for a few hours,  around 10am they were still sitting in the kitchen talking, ashton wasn't crying anymore but he was in pain. his stomach hurt more than he had anticipated but he was okay. luke walked down his stairs,  surprised to see michael and calum in his house but didn't really bring it up "morning" he mumbled as he started a pot of coffee.

ashton was fighting himself in this moment, he felt nauseaous and hot but didn't want to draw any attention to himself, would any of them know he had overdosed and wasn't just sick? it wasn't something he particularly wanted to find out. he waited as long as he could before he was called out for sweating by calum. "i dont know i don't feel good all of the sudden, m really nauseaous" ashton mumbled back and calum suggested the two head to the bathroom which ashton didn't object to. while ashton and calum were away michael watched luke eat breakfast and filled him in on why him and calum were there. after a solid 20 minutes luke was done eating and ashton and calum returned from the bathroom, "how about you lay down on the couch ash yeah? i'll grab you some water and a bucket if you need it?" calum said and ashton obliged

"he's sick?" michael asked warily and calum shrugged and nodded

michael didn't believe ashton was actually sick, with everything the two had talked about earlier he just didn't believe it. it wasn't until 4pm that michael was able to get into the downstairs bathroom to snoop around, he had already looked in the upstairs one and found nothing but he didn't want to worry anyone on a suspicion. at 4pm ashton felt better and was watching tv, no longer running in and out of the bathroom. michael dug around, finding a empty bottle of tylenol his heart dropped. he ran out of the bathroom "we need to take ashton to a hospital now" he said with the bottle in his hand and ashtons stomach dropped

luke looked over to ashton and tears flowed out of his eyes, he can't die. "ash" luke chocked out while letting out a sob

ashton didn't move from the couch, he had done his research and he knew it was probably too late for him to be saved. michael knew the general timeline of a tylenol overdose and was praying he was early enough in finding ashton's mistake. ashton wasn't getting up and michael and calum were trying their hardest to hold it together. the two of them lifted ashton off of the couch and carried a thrashing ashton into the car. the four of them drove in almost silence to the hospital, the only sounds being crying coming from almost everyone. michael was trying his hardest to hold it together for the boys but he was blaming himself. he knew something was wrong and he didn't catch it. he was so upset with himself.

they got to the hospital and fought ashton to go inside, but they wrestled him in and got him admitted. the three sat in the waiting room and michael excused himself to the bathroom where he broke down in tears and sat on the floor of a bathroom stall, sobbing. he called his finacee. crystal listened to michael while he sobbed and blamed himself, she assured him it wasn't his fault and told him she was on her way.

in the waiting room luke and calum were crying. luke was sobbing while calum had his arm wrapped around him with tears streaming down his face. "how didn't i see it?" luke sobbed and calum shook his head

"we all thought he was just sick luke you can't blame yourself, it's nobody's fault except ashtons"

their conversation circled around and luke kept repeating how he felt like it was his fault while calum reassured him it wasn't. michael returned from the bathroom with tear tracks down his face, nobody commented on it. crystal walked in and sat down next to the boys while they sat in silence waiting to hear something- anything.

-

over two hours passed before a doctor came out to talk to them, "ashton's liver is failing, posion has build up in his blood and his kidneys are failing as well. the only thing we can do is a liver transplant and we're hopeful we'll be able to get home one as our list currently isn't very long but he doesn't have too much time left, probably until the end of this week. you can see him but i do want to warn you that he is not doing well, he is experiencing jaundice and his skin and eyes have a yellow tint."

was the gist of what they heard, each of them started freaking out and hyperventiliating, how. how could they do this without ashton?