Miserable at best

go home

and i haven't been taking my meds
so lock all the cabinets and send me to bed
because i know you're still worried
i'm gonna get scared again
and make my insides clean with your kitchen bleach
-julien baker
go home

ashton laid on lukes bedroom floor staring up at the ceiling. luke was at outpatient and then he was meeting with managment to discuss music. the song he posted the other day got a lot of traction, people really liked it and liked his vulnerability. they wanted him to release a album, solo. not breaking up the band, luke was adamant about that but to get more traction. ashton was really proud of him, but he wasn't doing well. he cut himself a few nights ago, he pulled apart his face razor and dug into his wrists. he also hadn't been taking his anti depressants and while that wasn't anything new it was still effecting him. his head was bubbling with gruesome thoughts so he laid on the carpeted floor staring at the ceiling. after a solid 10 minutes he rolled onto his stomach and got up, walking into the bathroom. he opened the cabinet and grabbed his blade, creating a vertical cut - hoping he would hit a vein. ashton, being as unlucky as he is was interrupted from his self harming by the doorbell. he cursed under his breath and looked at himself in the mirror and then back to his bleeding arm and hoped that the person would just go away but the doorbell rung again and he glanced at himself one more time before grabbing a zip up hoodie and throwing it on. wincing at the sensation of fabric on his wound, it was luke's hoodie. he would have to wash it.

he walked to the door as the bell rang again, he rolled his eyes and opened it only to see michael.

"what's with all the doorbell ringing" ashton asked

"sorry i just knew you were home. i'm bored and calum is busy so here we are"

ashton rolled his eyes and gestured for michael to come inside. his arm was bleeding more and he could feel it start to drip down his arm, he put his hand behind his back.

"do you wanna fuck around with music? i have a few ideas for songs and your drums are here right?" michael asked and walked into luke's kitchen, grabbing a cheese stick out of the fridge

ashton nodded "yeah i'm just gonna run to the bathroom really quick" he said turning around

"ash" michael said and ashton froze "let me see it"

there was blood running down his hand and he had been trying to hide it but there was no way, michael knew him well enough to pick up on it as well. michael walked over to where ashton was and rolled up his sleeve looking at the vertical cut

"you try to do it this way to die?" michael asked and ashton nodded "sit" michael mumbled gesturing to the kitchen table, before grabbing a paper town and pressing it on ashton's wound. ashton avoided michaels eye contact and stared down at his wrist while michael put another paper towel on it "hold this" michael said and ashton did as he was asked.

michael walked from the kitchen into the bathroom and dug around for bandages, settling on some gauze and some medical tape "we have to wash it" michael said when he was back in ashton's ear shot.

ashton grimaced as michael turned on the water in the sink over his wounds, it only got worse from there when michael started actually washing the cut. "what's going on ashton" michael asked while he dried off and bandaged ashton's arm.

"i have nothing to live for michael, i feel worthless and like nobody would care if i just died. i wish i was better at doing it and i didn't answer the door for you. i could have just finished the fucking job"

michael stared at ashton and leaned up against the counter opposite of him, his friend was hurting so bad and the only reason he didn't keep cutting was because of him coming over, "i think we need to get you more help ash. like i think we might need to take you to the hospital"

ashton panicked, he couldn't go to the hospital - he just needed to die. he ran through all the things he could do quickly and he decided on agreeing reulctantly to michaels hospital suggestion. ashton slowly nodded "i don't want to but i think you're right. they're gonna make me do inpatient though michael and i can't do that i know it doesn't help"

michael knew he was right and turned around, grabbing ashton's laptop off the kitchen counter from where it was charging "i'm gonna try and find you somewhere you can go okay? i'm looking at outpatient but you have to be safe when you're at home ash? can you do that? with luke hurting too?"

ashton really wasn't sure, he couldn't truly say yes because there's always the potential things go south and he can't handle it. he can try, but he knows being alone or also taking care of luke doesn't help, although he wishes it did. he shared these thoughts with michael who replied with silence, not sure what to say or suggest. "i can try and come over every night if that would help ash? or pick you up and take you there and bring you back"

"i don't want to be a burden michael, it's not your responsibility"

michael shook his head "you're never a burden, i promise. i want to do this to help you ashton. i care so much about you and i just want to do whatever i can to help you"

ashton was silent for awhile and michael was patient "i think you taking me would help if that's something you want to do"

michael nodded and scrolled a little more on the computer before flipping the screen around for ashton to look at a outpatient facility for his approval. after scrolling for a little ashton mumbled a "it looks fine" and michael got to work on getting ashton in the program. the process took michael a solid hour but he stayed sitting on the counter in luke's kitchen with ashton in eyesight, not allowing there to be any time for injuries

"they'll take you starting thursday". it was monday

"what until then?"

michael nodded "i'm gonna stay over tonight; and we're gonna take the rest of the week day by day. gonna try and make you comfortable but do day by day okay?"

ashton nodded