𝐒𝐎 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐈𝐒 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄? 𝔄𝔲𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔫 𝔅𝔲𝔱𝔩𝔢𝔯

꧁𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍꧂

TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SEXUAL ASSAULT
Stellas pov

My thoughts were blurred, as I step into the shower that wasn't mine, clothes laid out beside the glass door, on a small stool. I was feeling feelings that I don't think I had ever felt before. I felt like a new person, like a different being. The way Austin had just made me feel was unbelievable. I mean, he did things to me no one has ever done before. The feelings I felt for him were indescribable. He actually made me feel loved. Not just like a piece of cake, in which you eat, then the crumbs you don't devour, you discard of. If that makes any sense. I grasp onto the shower door handle, opening it slowly. I stare at my naked body in the long mirror in front of me. My eyes trail down my body, landing on my medusa tattoo that was placed under my right arm. Tears fill my eyes. I didn't want to.

FLASHBACK

"Come on. You're no fun anymore." I hear Jack say. "Jack, I said no." I let out, as he plants lust-filled kisses on my neck, landing on my shirt hem. "Please, Jack. I said I don't wanna." I say as he pulls my shirt over my head, tears filling my eyes. "Jack, stop," I say. WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING ME!? STOP! He rips his shirt off of his body. I feel the tears come out of my eyes. "Come on baby. Don't be sensitive. You never please me anymore." he says, hungrily. His mouth kissed down to my bare breasts. "Jack stop! Stop please!" I say, sobbing.

"Stop, stop!" I look back to the bathroom, my arms covering my head as if they were to protect me from my thoughts. I look at myself in the mirror. I see my tear-stained face. Why did you do it if I said no? I tie my hair back, so it won't get tangled in with my tear-sticky face. The show of my semicolon tattoo flashes the mirror. After what jack had done, I kept quiet. I figured if I didn't say anything, it wouldn't happen again. But it did. again, and again. I started to get scared of sex. I got scared of it because it became natural that it wasn't my choice. It wasn't my choice for jack to wear a condom, it wasn't my choice for jack to rip my clothing off, and it wasn't my choice to have sex in the first place. it was always his choice. it was his choice if he wanted to slap me, it was his choice if he wanted to spank me, it was his choice if he wanted to rape me. So after it kept on happening, I started to burn the inside areas of my thighs. I decided on an area where it wasn't noticeable if I wore shorts. I burnt myself. If I did, it hurt so much that it would block out his pain of him. The thought of the things he did to me. jack scared me. But so many people would hate me if I broke up with him. My parents always thought he was so handsome, and such a good guy. And his friends had no idea. And jack would find some way to harm me again, so what was the point? He would always make his way back to me. Why did I try to keep him away? It's no use. Better give up now.

The burning left scars on my legs to this day. Looking at myself makes me see my growth, but at the same time, I feel like I'm revisiting it all over again. the same pain over, and over and over again. Like a broken record. It was a never-ending cycle. Of misery, loneliness, and hiding. I never thought I would escape him. I thought that at my age now, I would be married, and have kids with that psycho. But now, I'm dating someone I feel comfortable with, which is saying a lot because I've only known him for a week. But he never judged me or forced me to do anything he wants. He wants me to do the things I'm comfortable with. It's never an iffy situation with Austin. I remember that once I did end it with him, he threw up he was so upset. I mean, I was sobbing too, but not because I would miss him. because I was scared of what he would do to me for breaking his heart. But in the end, he broke mine years before that when he started doing those things to me. Breaking up with him was like cutting a rope I never knew I was being choked by. I could live again. Once he was gone, I felt free to do the things I love. So I got an agent. I signed up for shows and movies. that's when I got into stranger things. That's when I felt the most at ease with myself. I wasn't harming myself, and whenever I saw a bridge I didn't have thoughts of jumping off of it, into the cement-like water. I could go out with my friends, and be a normal person. It was so nice.

Every night I would go to bed crying, but not over Jake. Over how happy I was to live another day. If I ended it when my mind wanted me to, I wouldn't be here, To tell you the truth, I would be gone in early 2014. But here I am. 2022. Alive and well. And with possibly the best boyfriend in the world. Things are finally looking up for me. "hey, Stella. Are you ok? I heard you saying something along the lines of 'stop stop' and I just wondered if you needed help." I hear Austin say from outside the door that was a barrier between us. "Austin, I'm better than ok; I'm the happiest I've ever been," I respond.

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A/n

I'm so sorry this chapter is out almost a week late! It's crazy, because of how ill I was, I couldn't get out of bed. But I'm recovering. this chapter hit home with suicidal thoughts. This is just a backstory chapter, so it's not needed for you to read, but I still worked really hard on writing it. Love ya mamas, xoxo robyn.