WARREN GIDEON: In War, I Found Peace [Warren & Astacia]

Kabanata 5

I kept wiping my lips that he kissed, rubbing it so hard that it hurt already, me feeling disgusted at myself. I hated that I let it happened. But more than that, I resented myself because I had liked the kiss. I had felt something I should not be feeling.

Warren Gideon Arespacochaga was the only man in my life before and after Warrion. I had always avoided men and getting into relationships because I was afraid to just end like my parents. Since their separation, I did not believe in the idea of family anymore. And if I was going to tell the truth, there was still this hate feelings for them that would be here in my heart forever. Kahit pa sinabi ko noon na mas okay nang maghiwalay na lang sila kaysa naman nasa iisang bahay nga pero wala naman silang pakialam sa isa’t isa, na wala ng pag-ibig pa. I hated them for both cheating on each other, for not respecting their marriage, for not trying hard enough to fix our family, and most especially, for not thinking about me.

I used to adore my parents. I used to be so proud of our family. Ang buong akala ko kasi noon ay perpekto kami, masaya, buo, and nothing could keep us apart. In fact, we used to be the model family in my school. I loved our family so much that I even had us inked at my nape. A minimalist tattoo of a sun, moon, and star, which for me, represented the three of us. Daddy was the sun, Mommy was the moon, and me being the star. But their separation had hurt me in a lot of ways that I had that tattoo erased on my skin. I did not want any remembrance of them in my life anymore. Yes, the process of that tattoo removal was painful, but that pain was nothing compared to the pain the reason of removing it. My parents gave me trauma. They gave me a scar that was permanent, etched deep in my skin. They made me hate the idea of love.

But one night, that guy came crashing into my life without even a single warning sign. He was there at my lowest, at my darkest, and at my most vulnerable state. Siya lang ‘yong lalaki na hinayaan kong pumasok sa buhay ko. Even if it was just a one night stand. One night that gave me peace. One night that left a remembrance that would be with me forever. Si Warrion. And it hurt so bad that I could never let this feelings for him out in the open, could never let this to grow and to go deep because he was already taken, taken not just by someone else but by my sister.

So how could I do this to her who had been nothing but kind to me? All those times I was knee-deep with my problems, those times I was going crazy thinking how I would pay the bills and how I would raise my son, Cielo was there. She never disappointed me. She never for once abandoned us. Parating bukas-palad sa aming dalawa ni Warrion.

Stinging sensation burned inside my chest. Again, this was not supposed to hurt, but why? Why did it hurt so bad? So bad like a big hand was squeezing my heart, making me bleed to death inside?

I was running blindly until I bumped into a hard body. Sa pag-angat ko ng tingin ay natagpuan ko ‘yong kapatid niya na si Derek.

“Okay ka lang?” he worriedly asked, squinting his eyes at me. “Are you crying? What happened?”