Zayn
Do you know what it's like to fall in love? It's an endless fall. It starts with the curious looks and the subtle communication that goes unnoticed by everyone except you. The butterflies and excitement of not knowing, not knowing where these feelings are taking you and being competly oblivious of the inevitable fall.
I didn't know. I didn't know that I was capable of feeling these feelings. I didn't know that the glances he sent my way could have such a gut feeling effect on me. I didn't realize that his company made me feel so full and at ease. I had no control, the way my hands naturally landed on the small of his back, or the crook of his waist. Looking back I had no control. It was so easy, so natural, so comfortable. Why was I so surprised when we began filling the comfortable silences with passionate kisses. It was pure gravity, sitting there with him, shoulder to shoulder. A comfort and gravitational pull when we looked into each other's eyes. I just wanted to feel his lips. In that moment nothing mattered. Absolutely nothing. Completely oblivious to who I was supposed to be. How I was suppose to behave. The expectations I was supposed to meet. I just needed to close the space between us. I needed to feel him closer, deeper, more. I wanted more.
I wanted to be his comfort. I wanted his attention. I wanted his affection. I wanted to hold him and be his only. I wanted to be loved and love him. At the same time I didn't want to disappoint my family. The people that have loved and cared for me since before my birth. I was fearful of rejection. I was fearful of loneliness. Stuck. I was stuck. Stuck between two struggles that were ultimately my self destruction.
"I love him, I love him mom. I am so sorry, I couldn't help it. I fell in love with him and I hate being away from him. But the kind of love and support I feel when I'm with her also means so such to me. I feel helpless. Please, tell me what to do."
"My sweet baby boy. You'll survive this. I promise. Are you sure you love him? Why agree to be with her if your heart belongs to him? Maybe you're confused."
"I am confused. I do love him, his presence settles me. His touch makes happy. His voice soothes my turmoil. I wake up happy to know that he exists and that he loves me too. I feel full with him by my side. I am content, satisfied and settled with him. Yet I am always nervous and fearful of the consequences that reality would cost me. My family, your support, even possibly your love. I can't loose my family mom, I can't take knowing that loving him would mean that my family wouldn't love me. I cannot choose mom. I don't know what to do. I don't love her and she doesn't love me. She's my guarantee to your love and support and I am her opportunity to a stable life. With her my family isn't a sacrifice I have to make, but I loose him. I loose the reason behind my smile. I loose my comfort. I loose my love."
"You can learn to love her. Maybe she can't replace him but you can learn to let her love be enough. Maybe letting him go is the the only way to give him a real shot at love.
A pause...
Or maybe our family can learn over time to accept it.. over time...maybe.
But hun, how can you be sure that he feels the same. Is this love worth the risk of loosing your family? You're so young.. give it time baby. Give yourself the chance with her.
It's up to you baby."
He is worth it, I'd risk it all for him. But would he risk it all for me? Am I enought for forever with him? I love him. There's no doubt about it. But will our love hinder our growth? Will time prove to weaken our love. Could we ever come back to each other? What if I can never find a love like his? What if he can find a love to replace mine? What if I loose it all just to not be enough for him in the long run?
"Harry... I can't do this. I can't live like this."
"Please, don't do this Zee. I love you. It won't happen again. Please. Please. This time is different. Please. It didn't mean anything. Please..."
"Just give me time. I need time. I'm tired babe...
I... I need time. Just give me space to breathe".
"I love you. I love you so much. I know I fucked up but I need you baby. I need you... Please don't leave me..."
●
I loved him. I could've loved him for the both of us. I could have pretended to not know what I knew. He wasn't ready. I know he loved me. I felt it. I saw it in his eyes. It was real. But he wasn't ready. He didn't know how to let our love be enough. I get it. I was ready and he wasn't. It wasn't fair to want him to myself.
I would of risked it all for him. My family. My stability. Everything I knew. It scared me. But nothing is scarier than knowing that no matter how much we loved each other. We weren't ready. So it was time. For me to move on and let him live his life how he needed.
So I let him go.
"Hello sunshine, I have missed you. How are you?"
"Mom...
*sniffles*
I'm proposing to her".
"Oh honey. Did something happen with Ha-"
"Mom. I'm marrying Pez. I want my own family. I want stability. I need to be grounded. This life, with the boys it is too much. It's so loud. I am tired mom."
"Okay. Alright sunshine. I'm on your team. Always will be behind you."
