MADMAN'S HAVEN

2

Silence.

Too much silence.

As I walked past the corridors of the dismal hospital, I was disturbed by the dire silence around me. The area was so quiet that I could almost hear my own thoughts and that frightened me a lot. I didn't want to experience that, because I knew that it would probably leave me insane.

I focused on the sound of my beating heart as I continued my way towards the office room. I had no session to attend this morning which made me glad since I wanted to speak with as few people as possible.

In my current condition, I didn't have the energy nor the impulsion to give my patients what they needed.

I wanted to be a professional nurse and a good treater but I lost that ability somewhere along the way. Now I was just here because I had to, because I had a job to do and because I had to make money to pay the bills...

As I entered the big office room, the sound of the rain chattering against the enormous windows reached my ears, and I breathed out with relief as I finally got rid of the maddening silence.

For a couple of seconds, I enjoyed the sound of settling down from my muddled thoughts on the inside of my brain. Every sense was so crucial for me to use to not completely fall out of mentality.

I entered the archives and while I searched through the alphabetic order looking for the name Clarke, Jacob my eyes got stuck on another familiar name from the section of letter B.

Barlowe, Brandon.

A heavy lump fell into my stomach like a punch and my heart skipped a beat as I stopped breathing with the second I flashbacked from the psychotic inmate. I closed my eyes and placed my hands on the cold wooden archive drawer to stabilize myself from my weak knees.

One deep breath, two, three.

I didn't want my past with Brandon to affect me this much, but it did. One part of me just couldn't forget about what he'd done. Even if we shared something beautiful and passionate, his actions made too much damage to glorify him in any way.

He was nothing more to me than just a psychopath murderer with an appearance of seduction.

Sometimes in my drunken state of mind, I imagined him as the fallen angel, who stole a body from an innocent, attractive man to disguise himself from who he really was and seduce his victims with his glorious appearance, then destroy them piece by piece by fooling them into his manipulative proximity.

It disgusted me to think about him as the devil, but it also kept me from feeling easily used and blind from the male toxicity...

As I breathed in and out to ease the panic in every sense, I suddenly felt a hand placing my shoulder. I twitched in reaction and my mouth left a grunt of surprise. I turned around to face the unknown person behind me.

I knew that my eyes were filled with panic but I tried my best to pretend that I was just very surprised by the person sneaking up behind me.

"Beverly? Are you okay?" Harriet's soft voice instantly made me calmer.

I met with her big brown eyes and forced a smile on my lips to hide every misery inside of me. I knew that she could probably see right through me, but I kept fighting to hide myself and my chaotic condition.

"I am, thank you. You just scared me," I blurted as a whiff of fake laughter left through my lips. I tried not to keep eye contact with her for too long since I wanted to avoid every suspicion of me being high at work. I knew how much trouble I could get in if someone exposed me, but the desperate abstinence was worth every risk.

"I'm sorry. I just got worried when I saw you bending over the drawer like that," Said Harriet.

I was glad about having my friends at work, and I knew that they cared about me very much, but somehow it felt too intrusive to have someone sneaking up on me like that even if it was out of concern.

I shook my head at Harriet and kept smiling.

"It's okay Harriet. It's just that, I've had some trouble with flashbacks lately and they keep disturbing me at work. But there's nothing to worry about, sometimes I just have to focus to get rid of the thoughts,"

I wanted to be as honest as I could with her. She was my friend and she knew about what happened just about two months ago, so there was no reason for me not to tell her when she exposed me in a flash.

"Oh Beverly, dear. It's very common to have flashbacks after a traumatic situation like the one you witnessed, you should take some time off to progress. Maybe you should see a therapist?"

I noticed how I got her even more worried than before and I just wanted to get over the subject and talk about something else.

"Thank you Harriet, but spending time at home instead of keeping myself busy at work will just make it worse, and I don't think I'm need of seeing a therapist. My education with psychiatry helps me alot to progress on my own, and it's not as bad as it sounds with the flashbacks,"

The thought of seeing a therapist made me feel sick, I didn't want to talk about Brandon with anyone out loud, and there was so much more to the story than the traumatic occasion in the gathering room two monts ago. I was doing fine on my own, and since I was a nurse myself, I had every tool I needed to progress and heal from what I had been through.

"You know what's best for you. But you must know that we're here for you if anything is bothering you, Beverly,"

Her sweet words made me smile in a genuine way this time. I loved how she listened to me and didn't force me into something I didn't want to do or talk about.

"Thank you,"

I left Harriet in the archives and went out to the big room again and sat down by one of the tables to begin my work with Jacob Clarke's journal.

While reading the list of medication my veins began to cry after more by the trigger, but I tried my best to remain present with my current state of mind since my veins were still pumping around the morphine inside of me.

I swallowed hard and switched to the next page instead when Harriet came back from the archives and sat down by the same table on the chair opposed to me. She put her files on the table and looked at me as she sat down.

"Actually Beverly, there I something I want to tell you," Her voice surprised me and I looked up at her again with a questioning face.

My heart began to race, what did she want to tell me? Did she expose me being high?

"Okay, tell me then," I implored with a desperate voice.

Harriet bit her glossy bottom lip and got quiet for a couple of seconds. I could see in her eyes how she hesitated but I remained silent for her to speak out.

"I know that Brandon is no longer in your care, and that you're not his nurse anymore, but there is something I think you should know since you were there when... it happened,"

The mentioning of Brandons name made me nauseous, and once again my heart began to race just like it did a couple of minutes ago.

I moved one of my fingers towards my mouth to grab the cuticle between my teeth in an attempt to relieve from the anxiety. Why did she mention Brandon after what I just told her?

"I don't want to know anything about that man," I kept my voice respectful but determined.

Harriet took a deep breath and nodded her head.

"I know Beverly, but I want to tell you this since I believe it can help you with moving on from the trauma,"

Her words made me so curious. What could she possibly tell me about that man that would help me with moving on?

I couldn't come up with anything, only if she was just about to tell me that it was all a dream and none of it ever happened at all.