Eyeless Jack x Ticci Toby

15. The Forbidden Shimmy Shimmy

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING- DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF HARM AND DISORDERED EATING AND ITHER MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND DON'T READ THIS CHAPTER IF THAT IS TRIGGERING TO YOU

okay that's all, but seriously, if it's triggering please just skip. Take care of yourself- your mental health is more important than a wattpad story written by an immature high schooler

I was freed of my injuries and back up and training again.

Slender gave me an extra week before he sent me on any more missions to make sure I was fully recovered.

For the last couple weeks, Jack had been more distant.

It's not that he was unfriendly towards me, but whenever he visited me there would be lots of awkward silences and tension in the air.

Maybe it was because we almost kissed, but I feel like that would mean that we would be closer, not ignoring each other.

Whatever it was, I was determined to put an end to it. I just wanted my best friend back.

I was training. I wasn't scheduled to be training right now. I was supposed to train from about 6am to 12pm, though it was currently 8pm.

The sun was setting and I was still outside. I threw a knife at one of the targets, hitting the bullseye dead on.

I put my hands on my knees and wiped the sweat off of my head. I was probably over-exerting myself right now but I couldn't be bothered to care. I was frustrated with myself for not being able to talk to Jack, and I was frustrated with Jack for not being able to talk to me. I was mostly frustrated at myself though.

I let myself fall back into a seated position, then slammed my fist down as hard as I could onto my thigh. There are moments where I want to feel pain, where I want to cause myself pain.

About a year ago I feel out of my manic episode and straight into a depressive one. It felt like a straight drop down. I went from functioning perfectly, being able to perform all my missions, meet the deadlines, and still have energy to do other things. Then, all of the sudden, I couldn't do it anymore.

I lost interest in everything, I tried to do things that I usually loved but at that moment couldn't care about them. I wanted to cut off everyone who was close to me, cause myself pain. What did I do instead? Refused to eat. It was the only way I knew to cope.

I didn't have any issues with my appearance, but I wanted to cause myself pain. The best way to do that was starve.

After a couple weeks, Hoodie eventually convinced me to eat small snacks every once in a while.

I improved after that, very slowly, but still improving.

Sometimes I want to fall back into that.

Sometimes I want to hurt myself because I hurt people I care about.

Apparently right now was one of those times.

I put my head in my hands and felt tears start running down my face.

Could I do anything right? What if Jack hates me now? What if I made him uncomfortable? What if I triggered him and now he can't be around me?

Does Jack hate me?

Why me?

I just wanted to make him happy.

I want to be happy.

I felt myself spiraling. I knew this wasn't good and I should be finding Hoodie, or even Jane to help me out. I should get help from someone before I fell back into old habits.