Poems for Myself

Future Perfect

Growing up, I've always had plans, not dreams but plans. I wasn't sure of what I would become so I decided to have plans just so I can say that I will have a brighter future ahead. As a child, I've always believed that I will be someone great when I grow up, I will excel and I'll make everyone around me proud. Maybe it's because they've always complimented me when I was young, they said I'm smart, that I'm always at the top of my class. I believed it, I held on to it until I couldn't.

Now, it all seems to be blurry, I messed up. I've become a mess, my mind's a mess , everything's a mess. I don't know why or how but I feel like I'm a big failure. I'm stuck with this unpleasant feeling, I feel trapped. Will I ever get out? I don't know. I want to be good at something too, at least just one thing — just one thing. Is it too much to ask?

Ahhhhh this is exhausting, I feel like I'm always out of breath, every day it feels like I'm drowning. I don't have anything to look forward to anymore. I wanted to wash away my unwanted thoughts but it's like an uninvited guest that keeps coming.

I will fail. I will mess it up again for sure — that's what I always think and even if I try to be a little more optimistic, I still end up failing. This is frustrating, really. Maybe it's the way I think, is it the problem? Even that, I don't know.

I wanted to end everything, but the fear of uncertainty of what comes after it, is what's holding me back. Will I finally have peace after? The idea of it seems to be giving a little comfort though — that everything will come to an end, but does it really?