She's Mine, He's Back.

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

It had been two weeks since the deposition. Two weeks since they had heard or seen Carson. Two whole weeks without a run in or incident. Maybe he had finally gotten the message, maybe he was finally going to back off. Or maybe he was busy planning his next move.
The preliminary hearing in Carson's lawsuit against Carisi was a month away, but right now Sonny and Tru had other things to focus their energy on. Like their baby, their wedding, their future.
They had left the hotel and returned home. Sonny had personally paid for the security in the building to be updated, along with making sure it was as hacker-proof as it could be.
Tru unlocked the door to their apartment and glanced over her shoulder at Sonny, who was struggling to carry the oversized box that held their unassembled crib.
"You really should have let me help you with that," Tru said.
"Not a chance," Sonny smirked.
Tru held the door open allowing him to slide the box in. He sighed heavily as he wiped the sweat from his brow.
"Any chance you think it looks good there?'
Tru laughed, "I think the baby will be a little uncomfortable on a cardboard box." She said, "Come on, I'll help you drag it into the other room."
'No, no, I got it." Sonny insisted.
"You know…" she began, he looked at her, giving her his full attention. "I'm pregnant, I'm not an invalid."
"I know," he looked away sheepishly, "I just want everything to be ok."
She touched his hand, "It will be."
****
Sonny was propped up in bed, reading a law book. Tru was in the bathroom prepping herself for bed.  She popped her head out of the bathroom. He looked up from his book, she was already in her pajamas–paw print pajama shorts  and one of his concert T-shirts, and her hair was pulled into a messy bun on top of her head. A tooth brush stuck out of her mouth.
"You know, I haven't heard from Abby lately. Have you?" She asked through a mouthful of toothpaste.
Sonny shook his head, "No, I told her to call if she needed anything. Gave her RA a heads up about Goldberg."
Tru nodded and stepped back into the bathroom, spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing her mouth out. She pumped some lotion onto her hands before she left and was still rubbing it in when she came back into the bedroom.
"I know she had some big tests this week, maybe she's just busy and hasn't had a chance to return my calls."
"Yeah, maybe." Sonny replied, "If it makes you feel better we can go over there tomorrow and check on her."
Tru smiled, "It would, actually."
"Okay, it's settled."
She climbed into bed and kissed Sonny on the cheek, she snuggled in next to him, letting one of his arms wrap around her. He kissed her on top of the head. She looked down at her hand, at the sparkling engagement ring that dressed it. She had never been so happy.
****
Sometime during the night Sonny woke up to Tru shaking him vigorously. It took him a second to realize what was going on, and then he shot up.
"What's wrong?" He asked, instinctively reaching for her.
She was holding her stomach and crouched over.
"It's the baby, something wrong!" She said.
He jumped out of bed and began throwing on his clothes that lay in the floor from the night before.
"It's gonna be okay," Sonny said as he shoved his legs in his pants. "We'll get you to the hospital, everything is going to be fine."
Tru's eyes snapped shut as she let out an anguished groan and she sat down on the bed. She attempted to take deep steady breaths. Sonny shoved his shoes on without bothering to tie them and rushed over to her, scooping his arm around her waist he helped her to the car.
He lifted her up to the seat and fastened the seat belt, something caught his eye before he shut the door and he looked down at Tru's leg. Blood had trickled down her inner thigh, he prayed she hadn't noticed as a sickening feeling of deja Vu washed over him.
It hadn't taken them long to arrive at the hospital. Sonny's red dash light helped with that.
"We need a doctor!" Sonny yelled as he rushed through the automatic doors of the emergency room at Mercy General Hospital, Tru was holding onto him, trying to keep herself from collapsing.
A check in clerk rushed to them with a wheel chair and Tru gladly took a seat in it.
Sonny went through the run down of Tru's pain and bleeding and that she was 13 weeks pregnant with a history of premature labor. They rushed Tru  into the triage area but insisted Sonny stay in the waiting room until the doctor had seen her.
"No, I need to be with her," he had said.
"We will let you know as soon as it's okay to come back," the nurse had said with a sympathetic smile, "hospital policy."
Sonny sunk into a chair in the waiting room, covering his hands with his face as he tired to steady his breathing and regain control over his body. His hands were shaking, his heart thudded in his chest, he felt the blood pounding in his ears. This couldn't be happening. Not again. They had been through so much already. He found his mind wandering back to the last time Tru was rushed to this hospital. The last time she was pregnant and what had happened the night she lost their baby.
***Flashback***
   Rain pounded on the pavement of the sidewalk as Sonny helped Tru out of the front seat of his squad car and into the wheelchair. Her hands clutched her stomach as more pain shot through her abdomen in a fiery surge. The rain slapped against her body, making her hair stick to her face as he pushed her into the emergency room of Mercy General Hospital.
She could hear Sonny call out for help as they entered through the sliding doors. The bright white lights blinded her, they were so bright compared to the darkness they had just left, and it made her snap her eyes shut. But when she tried to open her eyes again, even to squint, it felt like her eyelids weighed a thousand pounds. She could feel herself getting weaker and weaker. Sonny’s voice sounded father and farther away.
“Sonny,” she called out. “I’m gonna pass out.”
She clutched her stomach even tighter as she felt blood run down her legs.  Sonny called out for help again as a nurse rushed toward her with a bed. She drifted in and out of consciousness for the next several minutes. She had no idea how she had gotten onto the hospital bed. Her eyes opening and shutting, counting the lights on the ceilings as they wheeled her down the hallway. Each of their voices sounding so far away. 
“How far…is she…?” A woman at the head of the gurney asked.
Tru was only catching bits and pieces of the conversation. She couldn’t find the strength to speak. Why was this happening to her? This couldn’t be happening. It had to be a bad dream. No, a terrible dream, a nightmare, the worst kind. But she knew it wasn’t. She brought a hand to cover her eyes from the brightness of the florescent glow of the lights. Her hand also weighed a thousand pounds, she struggled so hard to raise it only to feel someone else push her hand back down. Sonny held her hand tightly.
“25 weeks,” she knew that voice, she didn’t have to see him to know he was there. Sonny was always there for her no matter what.
She felt nausea rising from her stomach, and her tongue began to sweat. She was going to puke but she couldn’t find the words to let anyone know. Her mind was slipping away again. She didn’t know if she was going to vomit or faint. Pain seared through her stomach like she was being stabbed with a dozen hot pokers. Branding irons, Tru thought.  She struggled so hard to even say one word, and all she found the strength to say was “Sonny,” And with that she was out again.
He watched helplessly as she was wheeled beyond the double doors and out of his sight.
He paced a line in the waiting room, back and fourth for what seemed like forever. The clock seemed to tick by at an alarmingly slow pace and all he could hear was the tick-tick-tick of that damn clock and the thump-thump-thump of his own heart.
He tried to tell himself that everything would be ok, but he had a sickening feeling his his gut that it wouldn't.
As he paced back towards the door once more, he noticed a doctor coming out of those double doors. He walked up to Sonny.
"Mr. Carisi?" The doctor asked.
"Yes," Sonny replied, stepping up to him. "How are they?"
The doctor took off his scrub cap–sonny had been around long enough to know that wasn't a good sign.
" I have a few questions, have you noticed that Tru has been ill lately? Has she ran a fever or been sick at all?"
Sonny was a bit taken back. Why wouldn't the doctor just tell him what was going on? " Yes, she's had a fever for the last couple of days. There's a cold going around, we thought that's all it was."
"Did she let her OBGYN know?"
"No, she has an appointment on Monday, she was trying to wait it out… Whats going on? " He demanded more firmly this time.
The doctor cleared his throat, "it appears that Tru is suffering from a chorioamnionitis. Chorioamnionitis is a complication of pregnancy caused by bacterial infection or inflammation of the fetal amnion and chorion membranes."
Sonny tried to follow what he was saying, and even though he knew the doctor was putting it as simply as he could, he was getting lost in the medical terminology.
" Simply put, Tru has a very serious infection in her amniotic fluid that has some very serious risk factors for both her and the baby.  If we don't treat this right away Tru could die." The doctor said.
" Well then what are you waiting for?! " Sonny exclaimed, " Treat her. "
" It's not that simple, " the doctor continued. "We won't be able to get the infection completely gone until after delivery. Both the treatment and the chorioamnionitis has risks for the fetus as well, and it's hard to tell exactly what damage has already been done. "
" Wait, what are you trying to say?"
" I'm sorry Mr. Carisi, but we need your permission to perform a medically necessary abortion to save Tru's life." The doctor finally came right out and said it.
" An abortion? " Sonny was beside himself. This couldn't be happening. " But we're catholic, we don't believe in that. "
"Tru has lost consciousness, the infection is spreading fast and with the pregnancy being only 25 weeks along… a viable fetus at this stage is unlikely even under the best of circumstances and this is certainly not that. " The doctor continued,  "We could deliver the baby at this point, but it is unlikely to survive more than a few hours. That of which would be filled with suffering. "
His world began to tilt and he felt the ground beneath him give way, he fell back into a chair to keep from falling onto the floor. He needed to make a decision and fast. Abortion was such an ugly word, but if it would save Tru's life, who was he to judge? On the other hand Tru would never forgive him for making this call. She would want him to fight like hell for their child and never stop fighting. But if that child would only know pain and wouldn't survive anyway, how could he put it through that?  This wasn't fair, he needed more time.
"Mr. Carisi, what do you want us to do?" The doctor urged.
He didn't know what to do. He couldn't make this call, but then he did it anyway.  He clasped his hands Infront on his face, almost biting down on his fist as he squeezed his eyes shut.
"You can terminate..." he heard himself say the words as though he was outside of his own body. "Save Tru's life."
***
When she awoke, Sonny was by her bedside, clutching her hand. His suit was disheveled, his tie hung loosely from his neck, his white shirt was untucked and stained with blood. His eyes were red and puffy, accompanied by dark circles. His skin had paled. He was staring into the distance, his hands clutching hers. She squeezed his hand and his attention snapped back to her, realizing she was waking up.
“Hey,” he whispered gently, “How are you feeling?”
“What happened?” The sound came out a hoarse shell of her voice.
Sonny couldn’t answer right away, he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell her what he had done, that he chose to save her, but he was afraid. It was as simple as that. He didn't want to lose her. He didn't have the right words. He couldn't put into words the way the situation had went down and how it felt to make that call.
Tru’s studied his face, knowing something was wrong. Her heart sunk in her chest as her hands flew to her belly. “Sonny, the baby…is the baby okay?”
Sonny bowed his head, unsure of what to say. A few tears slid down his cheeks and he tried to speak but nothing came out. “I—uh—she—"
“No,” Tru cried. “Not my baby.”
Sonny took a deep breath and wiped tears from his eyes and before he knew it the lie was spilling out, “They called it a placental abruption—” Sonny said finally, the reality of the situation sinking in as he spoke the words. He was lying to her. He made the call to terminate the pregnancy and now he was making the call to lie about it. He forced himself to finish. “There was nothing they could do.”
“No,” she cried again, tears streaming down her cheeks she pulled her hands away from his and covered her face.
“Tru,” was all Sonny could say, he climbed into the bed with her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her into his chest.
“We almost lost you, too,” He whispered, “You almost died in there.”
“I wish I had,” Tru sobbed.
“No, don’t say that. You don’t mean that.” Sonny whispered.
“Yes I do!”
His arms tightened around her as he tried to comfort her, knowing there was no comfort he could bring. They both cried. She could never know what he had done.
***
    Sonny walked into the apartment after work, shrugging his jacket off, he draped it over a chair. He glanced around the apartment, the kitchen was spotless, no sign that Tru had fixed herself anything to eat that day. The living room was dark and quiet without even the television on. He walked into their room, but it was dark and empty also. A sickening feeling washed over him as he wondered where she was. And then he remembered there was another room she could be in…the nursery.
The nursery that they had poured their heart and soul into decorating for their child. He slowly walked down the hallway. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to go into that room since they had lost the baby. It had already been three weeks but the pain stung like it happened yesterday. As he neared the end of the hallway an amber glow came from inside the room, seeping out of the slightly cracked door.
Oh God, she was in there, Sonny thought. He should have taken that room apart weeks ago, he wasn't sure if it was the guilt or the grief but he hadn’t been able to bear the thought of going in there.
He opened the door and stepped in. Immediately he felt like he had been punched in the heart. The crib was made up with the bedspread they had picked out—butterflies. The border along the walls matched perfectly with the quilt and pastel pink and purple throw pillows lined the bay window. There was a rocking horse in the corner and an antique white nightstand with a pink lamp sat next to the glider that Tru sat in. His eyes fell on her. Her expression was flat, her eyes were sunken and her skin was pale. She hadn’t been able to sleep for more than an hour or two when she finally just fell out, or when she had the help with doctor prescribed sleeping pills—which she didn’t like to take.
She slowly rocked back and forth in the chair, clutching a teddy bear close to her chest. 
“Tru, what are you doing in here? You shouldn’t be in here,” he said gently as he came closer to her.
“It makes me feel close to her,” she whispered. Her voice was hoarse and raspy, he wondered if she had had anything to drink today–probably not.
Sonny didn’t know what to say to that. Of course she wanted to feel close to her, but being in this beautifully decorated nursery was just a reminder of what they had lost and he knew it was doing more harm than it was good. 
“Come on, let’s get you out of here. Do you want something to eat?” He reached for her hand but she didn’t reciprocate.
“I don’t want something to eat,” she said. He stood infront of her helplessly, not knowing what to say, watching the woman he loved being consumed with her grief. “I’m thinking…” she said finally, “I’m thinking I should move out.”
Another punch to his heart, “What?” He exclaimed. “What are you talking about? Why?”
“I can feel your love for me changing,” she said. “I can feel you slipping away and I cant blame you.”
“What are you talking about?” He repeated, not knowing where this was coming from.
“Come on, you disappeared this morning without even saying a word,” Tru said.
“I had to go to work and I didn’t want to wake you.” Sonny explained. “You were finally sleeping.”
“It’s not just that. You hardly ever talk about the baby and when you do you tell me what I want to hear."
The doctors had warned him about the rollercoaster of emotions Tru was likely to face. The horomones leaving her body would have her emotions all out of whack, and that would be magnified by the grief she was feeling over their loss.  She didn't mean what she was saying and he tried to understand that.
"Why can’t you just admit that you’re upset with me? You’re mad at me, you blame me, and you should Sonny!” She stood to her feet and crossed the room, placing the teddy bear back in the crib where it had been placed when they bought it.
“What? I don’t blame you!” Sonny replied, attempting to put his hands on her shoulders. She backed away abruptly. He realized it wasn’t about him blaming her, she blamed herself. That’s what was tearing her up. She felt like her body had betrayed her.  “Hey, hey, this was not your fault!”
He wanted to tell her that she was blaming the wrong person. She should be blaming him. He made the call, he made the choice, it was his fault she didn't have her daughter. But then that fear creeped up again. He couldn't lose her, she meant the world to him.
“I killed our baby,” she said finally. “There’s nothing you can say to change that. And I don’t know how we can get past that.”
“Tru, listen it's not your fault, ” Sonny came closer, wanting to hold her but afraid she would pull away again. He was going to tell her, he knew he had to tell her. 'Its not your fault, it's m–"
Tru suddenly raised her hands and shoved the items off the top of the dresser. Baby books, animal knick-knacks, an unused baby monitor—they all came crashing to the floor with a clatter. She moved to the walls and began tearing pictures down, slamming them on the ground, she jerked the bedding off the bed and threw it to the floor. “Why does this bad stuff keep happening to me? What could I have done to reap such bad karma?”
“I know, baby, it’s not fair.” Sonny moved closer, attempting to comfort her.
“Fair?” Tru exclaimed, “Fair? When was the last time that word meant anything?”
Sonny didn't know what to say, he didn't know how to help her.  He was helpless yet again as he watched her fall to her knees, unable to even hold her head up off the floor. She hit her fists against it until she couldnt anymore, until she laid their crying. Her chest heaving, "I want my baby," she sobbed. "I want my baby." 
How could he have done this to her? He was no different than her rapist. He violated her trust and her body. He took away her decisions. She would never forgive him for this and he would lose her for sure.  This secret had to die with him.