𝗘𝗻𝗵𝘆𝗽𝗲𝗻 𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘁𝘀

Jay || Insomnia ✓

(T/W : mention of insomnia)

I don't know where everything started to go wrong. Everything was going fine until now...

Sleepless nights, bags under my eyes, feeling tired everyday- is a routine for me now. People say disorders effect your mental health. I sometimes feel like, as If I'll lose my sanity anytime - any soon.

Life has become hell for me. I don't even feel like sleeping anymore. It's tiring. I just can't focus on work now. I feel so sleepy and still I can't sleep.

I moved in with my boyfriend a month ago. I never told him about my disorder but he found it out eventually. From that day he's trying to help me out in every possible way. I don't want to be a burden to him. Or maybe he's staying with me out of pity? Who knows...

I sometimes feel like screaming in night, because of the lack of sleep I'm having. It's getting out of hand now. At first, I ignored it. I still used to get sleep in the noon. But after 3-4 months things has changed drastically for me. I even took holidays for myself, but it was all in vain.

"Mhm" someone cleared it's throat.

I turned around and saw Jay standing at the door leaning over to the side. "Hey..." I said as I got up from the bed.

"You didn't sleep, did you?" He asked.

"You know the answer already, so why wasting your time questioning me?" I replied as I walked to him.

"Did you take the pills I gave you?" He asked.

Yes. Pills. Sleeping pills. Sometimes I don't feel like sleeping at all, so he sometimes have to give me medicines.

I ignored his question and went to hug him which he returned.

"Did you take your pills?" He asked again.

I nodded my head in yes. Yes, I did take one. But it take time for it start to working on.

"Good." He said as he planted a kiss on my forehead.

"Did you eat?" He asked as I again nodded.

"Wanna sleep?" He asked for which I hummed. "I'll be right back, you set all the things. Ok?" He said as he went to the other room. I sighed to myself.

Today, I had this urge. The urge to cry my heart out. But ignoring that feeling, I went and kept the glass of water on the nightstand in case I feel thirsty. I then lied down on the bed. Jay soon came and lied to next to me and gave me a peck.

"Good night." He said as I again hummed not being in the mood to talk. After a while, I started to fell in the deep slumber of sleep.

Suddenly, I woke up in middle of the night. I grabbed the glass of water and chugged it down.

I layed down but this I wasn't able to sleep. Thousands of negative thoughts started to come in my head. I tried sleeping but it didn't help.

I looked at my side. Jay was sleeping peacefully. His life must've been good before we moved in. He never really had to deal with my disorder. I wish, he lived his life normal without me. Tears started to build up. I tried to forget all the things and tried to sleep but that didn't help.

My insecurities- I just wanna die. I felt all the negative thoughts clouding in my hand until I started sobbing. I covered my mouth with my hand, in case I wake him up as he was in a deep slumber.

But I started to sob more, and loudly. Preventing myself from sobbing didn't help.

"heyy.... Don't cry. What happened?" Jay woke up and asked.

He pulled me towards him and started humming. I cried more this time. It was all overwhelming for me now. And I couldn't take it anymore. I needed someone to listen to all my worries. I needed someone to comfort me. I needed someone to understand me. And it was him. It was jay. But- I m a burden to him.

I pushed him away as I sat on the bed. He also sat up and was about to ask what happened. "Let's break up." I said as I stopped myself from sobbing somehow.

Jay widened his eyes. "What?? Are you serious?" He asked in disbelief.

"Let's not be together anymore. I know you hate me." Having the thought of him hating you made you feel like crying even more. Before you could say anything further he pulls you into a hug to make you calm down.

"First, relax. Ok? Secondly, why do you even think I hate you? I love you more than I love myself. I love how the way you are. I don't have any problem with it, then why do you think I hate you? I accept you the way you are." He said. I looked straight into eyes but couldn't hold it for more than 2 seconds.

I started explaining him, whatever I was feeling now a days. My insecurities. How this insomnia has effected me, my life and my mental health. How he have to look after me everyday. I m losing my sanity. I don't know. I just wanna die. Maybe after dying everything will be good. Jay wouldn't have to worry about someone like me then. He doesn't have to date someone because he's pity of them.

After hearing all the things. He firstly calmed me down.

"Why do you even think I'll hate you because of your disorder. I never thought of dating you out of pity, okay? We started dating even before I found out about your disorder. I love the way you're and I don't have any problem with it. You're not a burden to me. You never was. And will never be a burden to me. Remember the promise I made, if something happened, we both will go through it together? let's accept the fate and go through this together ok? Disorders can be cured. And yours can be cured too. We will reach out to a very good doctor. You'll be fine soon babe. It'll take time. good things take time to happen." He said as he kissed me on my lips.

I calmed down and looked at him. "Let's go to sleep now ok?" He said as I nodded and snuggled into him.

"share your problems with me and I'll try to get the solution in every possible way. Just know, that I love you from my whole heart and will love you forever."

>Thank You<