Above Her Past

TWENTY - FOUR

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NADIA

WAKING UP EVERY DAY IS EXHAUSTING. I wonder why I am living in this world wherein my reason to live is unknown. It's like my body is floating on the vast sea, letting the waves take me to a place that I don't know. Sa bawat araw na dumadaan, mas matinding sakit ang aking nararamdaman. I was left alone.

Daze found another home.

But am I once his home?

He never loved me.

He said it himself. Kailanman ay hindi niya ako minahal. The reason I am fighting all the problems I had is because of him—I had my boyfriend. He's the sole reason why I am clinging to my rationality.

It should be easy to let him go, right? I didn't leave her heart because I was never there. Why do I feel like shit? How can I forget all the happy memories we had? Those are the memories I cherished the most—it is because he's in it.

Nagsinungaling ako, I am not regretting all of it. I was the happiest when I was with him. I am lucky for his existence. He is making the world a better place for me.

Siya ang nagpapakalma sa mga bagyong dumarating sa buhay ko. Nung dumating siya, sobra sobra ang kasiyahang ibinigay niya na parang panaginip lang ang lahat. I was in pure bliss when we became an official couple.

I didn't feel fear when I was with him. I am so sure that Daze will not leave my side. Turns out I was wrong. Paano ko tatanggaping wala na siya? Paano ko tatanggaping hindi na siya akin? Paano ko matatanggap na ipinagpalit niya ako sa iba?

How can I continue my life now?

Mas gusto kong nakipag-break na muna siya sa akin kaysa makita ko na nag-cheat siya sa harapan ko. I brush aside my tears when I hear my mother's footsteps ascending.

"You'll go to school na, Nads?"

Ibinaling ko ang atensyon ko sa kanya upang bigyan ng pekeng ngiti.

"Yes, mommy. Alis na po ako niyan."

Pinaka-ayaw ko 'yung nag-aalala si Mommy. She's been through a lot, I don't want to be a burden and add to her worries. Her condition is getting better.

I am okay, I am dying inside though.

I am withering away internally.

Is this how she felt when Mommy knew about Dad's mistress? You're alive and dead at the same time. How is that possible?

Di ako liliban sa klase dahil LANG nakipaghiwalay sa akin ang cheater kong boyfriend. I often skip my classes. I realized that I won't ruin my dream to be an architect just because of that jerk.

Kapag gusto kong makapag-isip-isip, sa CDC or Picnic grounds sa Clark ako pumupunta. Ilalabas ko lahat ng mga luha ko ng ilang oras dahil kakaunti lang ang bumibisita doon ng weekdays.

Namasahe ako papunta ng campus dahil wala ako sa kondisyon upang makapagmaneho.

"Sakit ng ulo ko." reklamo ko nang makarating ako sa loob ng MCU.

I rant about everything. Palaging mainit ang ulo ko, palaging nagagalit sa mga maliliit na bagay. My temper has gotten worse. Before, I was hot headed but I resemble an active volcano—sasabog na lang bigla.

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad nang makita si Daze sa hallway, papunta kami sa magkabilang direksyon kaya hindi maiiwasan na magkasalubong kami. He stopped walking when he saw me. There was a sudden, sinking ache in my heart when I met his light hazel eyes. The reason why I skip school sometimes is because of this encounter. I wasn't ready to face the man who erased my ability to love.