☆ trapped under ice ☆

☆ twenty four ☆

allys pov

the same night, (tuesday) - scene left off from last chapter.

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we layed in silence until i found the courage to say "i felt really guilty for eating tonight" in a quiet voice. after admitting it i felt a mix of relief and more guilt. relief that i got it off my chest but also a lot guilty because i had given james more to worry about. more then he deserves.

he immediately turned to look at me. his eyes looked so hurt, this is why i didn't like telling james how i felt, i know deep down it hurts him too.

with a sad tone he said "why baby".

a piece of my heart broke, i tried to hold the tears back, my vision went completely foggy and my hands started to shake. i let my face fall into my hands hurriedly wiping my tears. "i don't know why..." i cried, muffled by my hands over my face.

"als" james sighed and scooped me up in his arms. i felt so safe but still so sad. i could just throw up from how much guilt i was feeling right now.

"is there anything i can do, anything, to make you not feel like that" he said with his face against the top of my head, squeezing my body. he was gently running his fingers up and down my back to calm me. it worked. it's the one thing that always worked.

"i dont know, i feel like it's engraved in my brain" i let a tear slide down my cheek with out wiping it off. why did i have to be so fucking messed up.

"i would do anything to take that idea out of your head ally" james moved to look at me in the eyes while saying that. he used the pad of his thumb to wipe the slow falling tear and then the next.

i looked back down and sobbed a bit, i realised how fucked my thoughts were but yet i couldn't stop them.

he pulled me back close to him, in his arms.
i stayed there sobbing, in fear if i said another word i would make it worse.

everytime i would accidentally sob a bit louder he would pull me in tighter and tighter after laying like that for a bit in his arms while he rubbed my back, my sobs grew quiet.

"i think you're so beautiful ally..." he said quietly, guessing that i had headache from the amount of crying.

when he realised i had calmed down a bit he unwrapped his arms from around me, i felt cold and weak for a moment. but then he held my arm and gently ran his fingers over the old scars on my wrist without looking at them and said "nothing. and i mean nothing. could change how i see you".

i felt a stab in my chest. a good one. i just let what he said sink in. none one had ever told me that before.

in times like this i realised how much i don't deserve james at all. he's too good for me, he deserves someone so much better.

i sat up in the bed and took a deep shaky breath, he sat up with me.

"but thank you for telling me how to feel ally" he leaned his head against mine and held me once again. i nodded and mumbled "mhm". he looked at me worried, knowing usually i would say more then just "mhm", he knew i had something to say that would probably hurt.