☆ trapped under ice ☆

☆ thirty two ☆

the rest of february

ally's pov.

tw: self harm & depression.

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after my birthday it was amazing, life was good for a solid two weeks.

but after that it all came crashing down. if i said i didn't expect this to happen i'd be lying. my life always did this.

i couldn't tell you what exactly started it but i just exploded. it made it 10x worse that i had been happy & clean for so long.

i came home from work one evening. around 5:30, it wasn't a long shift but it had still completely drained me body and soul.

the night before i had felt a particular numb feeling creeping back in. i tried to just push it away and go to sleep for the night.

it didn't suprise me when the next morning i woke up with the same overpowering feeling taking control of my body.

but some how i still got my ass up and to work. the moment it was over and i made it home i slowly made my way to my room.

james was working late tonight and the boys were all out doing separated things so it was just me, home alone. it hadn't been that way for a long time.

i don't usually do well alone but i just tried to keep in mind that james would be back at 9pm and it would be okay.

for the first few hours i just layed in bed and let that same numb feeling swallow me whole. i didn't sleep. i didn't close my eyes. i just let my exhausted body rest hoping that it would make me feel better, recharge my battery but no. it didn't.

That feeling on numbness and having no motivation still consumed me.

the fact that this feeling felt all too familiar is what i think started the brake down. i knew this feeling of utter and complete sadness, i knew it all too well. and it scared me, it scared me too my core because i knew how i get when im like that and i didn't want to go through that ever again but i felt helpless, i knew i couldn't fight it.

as i sat there laying in bed a few single tears fled from my eyes, i didn't wipe them, i just let them fall.

after a while of laying in bed and crying my head began to think of so many things that made me feel sick and riddled me with anxiety.

after thinking about everything and debating with myself i decided to do it.

i had been clean for just over a year but that all came crashing down, that mindset of wanting to get better, wanting to be happy all came crashing down.

i found that same comfort in my sadness.

so i walked into the cold bathroom and gently shut the door behind me. i put my hands on the counter and looked myself in the mirror before nodding.

i reached into the draw for a blade and held it in my hand. i walked backwards until my back hit the door and slowly slid to the ground, i pulled my knees close to me and rested my left arm on them so my forearm was facing me.