☆ trapped under ice ☆

☆ thirty four ☆

may to june

ally's pov:

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the first few weeks following the break up were some of the hardest weeks of my life.

it broke me every night as i would sleep alone, no one beside me as i cried is name into the dark as if that would bring him back.

i also struggled to find the motivation to eat or talk so i barely did, i still managed to drag myself to work when i had to.

i had moved back into my aunts while i figured my shit out. i had made plans to move in with amy. i reached out to her initially just to hang out and she mentioned that she was looking for a roommate which was perfect.

after i moved in with amy things got better. i still found it hard to sleep at night but it wasn't absolutely draining to eat and talk.

we would drink a lot and have a lot of party's so i thought i was happy but truthfully i was just distracted - i always had a kind of longing in the pit of my stomach that i needed that boy back beside me.

so i thought maybe that i could try and go on dates with a few other guys but without that blond ocean blue eyed guitar player it didn't feel right in anyway shape or form. i felt like no other soul could fit mine so perfectly like the way his did.

kirk would come visit me every couple of days to check in, we would pretend everything was fine but i knew he could see it in my eyes that i was nothing without my jamie.

he tried to get through to me so i would talk to him about how i was really feeling but my head didn't work like that. i didn't wanna talk about it or feel it so i would just push it down.

out of sight, out of mind.

i just drank most nights to try and take me away from me. i would try to drink myself to a point of no feelings, i didn't wanna feel anything.

cliff also came to see me a couple of times. we would always just end up having a bong or joint together.

but one time when he came over it was the same as usual, we had a bong but for some reason i just poured my heart out to him about how much i missed james and how my life was so empty and so wrong without him.

he just held me as i kept ranting, not giving me 'it'll be okay just give it time' instead he just listened to me talk and let me get it out of my head.

he also told me how james was really doing.

apparently he was taking this as hard as i was.

i thought since he had wanted to break up with me that he would be doing great. probably have a new girlfriend by now and happy as larry.

but no apparently he had been drinking himself to oblivion and chain smoking. he used to tell me how much he hated smoking.

it hurt me to hear that because i still have feelings for james and deeply care about him.

usually by this point i would push that away but i was so utterly connected to james and his broken soul.

i don't know if this break up was ever the right decision.

but neither of us reached out in fear of messing up again and starting at square one but...i was so completely and utterly lonely i didn't know how long i could live on like this.

it never happened tho. i just continued to stay awake at night and scream his name in the dark room continuously calling for him just praying we could have back what we were before or even just close to it.

it had been around two months since the break up and nothing about the way i was feeling changed. i was still longing for any kind of connection to james.

when i was home alone the silence would eat away at me so i blast the music but then i'd remember some memory we'd have with the song or the band and id always ended up in tears.

my life wasn't ideal at the moment to say the least.

but i got two tattoos - i got a sun on one arm and a moon on the other. i like to think as if they are my angels watching over me and helping guide me through life.

but everyday i saw them i just wish that james could see them, i knew he probably wouldn't like them but i just wanted to show him and talk to him.

i miss the way the wind blew the hair onto his face and he'd get so annoyed by it, i miss the way his hands would move across the fret board with such concentration as he played beautiful melodies, i miss his button nose, i miss his ocean blue eyes that i would get lost in for hours, i miss his clothes, i miss his scent...i could go on for hours.

i just need him back in my life to cope, he's the only strength i ever had. the only thing that genuinely gave me a reason to live and love.

id to anything to be able to hold his bigs hands again and just melt into his hold letting his arms wrap around me so...i decided to make the call.

i paraded on over to the phone and punched in the phone number. if the phone picked up it was meant to be if it didn't it wasn't meant to be.

"hello?" he answered in a husky voice, fuck.

just hearing his voice again almost made me fall on my ass. "hi james" i tried to say calmly as my chest tightened and my hands shook uncontrollably.

"oh...ally...?" he spoke so quietly into the phone.

"yeah" i said as i tried to speak through the lump that was growing my throat.

but instantly the sound of his voice put a massive smile on my face.

we were both quiet for a bit before i said "w- would you be up for...a coffee?" i questioned my heart beating out of my chest.

"yeah i would" he said.

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ahaha bitches, cliff hanger!!! sorry ik you guys hate me lol, i promise part 2 is on the way xx

stay safe, love u!