𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬

20. Below the surface

Lily's POV

It had been months, close to a year, since mine and Maeve's friendship was over.
at first she tried at first to salvage what no longer existed between us, now we barely acknowledge each other anymore.

She sleeps in one of her Slytherin friend's dorms most nights so she doesn't have to deal with Marlene, dorcas, and I.
It had been so long that we didn't even care about what happened anymore, but the damage was done, we knew Maeve wasn't coming back.

The worst part is I can't help but think I'm to blame.

If I didn't kiss her then the whole Sirius and Remus thing probably wouldn't have happened, at least not in the way it did, and then none of this would of happened.

James and I had gotten back together not long ago, I explained to him that he was only giving me what he felt like giving, not what I needed.
I was just so tired of trying so hard with him and I needed an escape, Maeve was that for me.
Maeve was able to help me figure things out,
that I like girls a little bit, what I needed from James, and that I still loved James.

All I did for her was ruin everything, but I can't help but not feel guilty.
I know it's partly my fault, but I don't feel bad about it.

I think it was mainly because James had told me Maeve was a death eater.
To be a death eater requires a certain darkness in you, one that your born with or developed as a child.
Maeve had that darkness, and I believe that even if I didn't do what I did, she would have still turned to the dark side, only that way would of had far more devastating out comes for the order and everyone on the right side of the war.

I'd like to remember the girl who was first friend I made at Hogwarts as vixen, a marauder.
But the girl who's as good as a Slytherin, a deatheater, the enemy, that is Maeve Ashford.

Third person POV

"What in the world happened to you?" Lily screeched like an angry mother, looking at the four messed up boys in front of her, one of whom still had blood dripping from their head.
"I thought you were just going out for some drinks!"

Lily rushed over to James who was a head of the group. She grabbed his head, turning it gently but quickly in different directions to make sure he wasn't hurt.

"Maeve." James said in a mumble.

"That bitch I swear to god, I'll kill her for this!" Lily growled, Turing around to find her belongings, ready to pounce even though she was in her pyjamas, when James caught her arm.

"It wasn't her fault." James continued, a dull tone to his voice.
Lily couldn't read him, his expression seemed hurt or sad but his tone seemed tired and defeated, almost disappointed or angry.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, concern covering the tiredness in her voice.

"Ask Remus, I'd love to hear his answer." This time James turned to look behind him, starting at Remus with hazed eyes.

Lily looked over at the lanky, bloodied up boy that stood hunched in the room, looking like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

"Remus?" Lily said in a confused, yet cautious tone, still holding onto James by the arm.

"Piss off." Remus spat, storming out of the Gryffindor common room into the school corridors with tears streaming down his face, tears that everyone in the room saw, and thankfully because it was late only the marauders and Lily were there.

Hands shaking, heart racing, pacing aimlessly through the school, trying so hard to silence his crying that he stopped breathing,
Finding himself in the prefects bathroom.

The words coming from his mouth were inaudible from his panicked breathing between sobs as he peeled the clothes from his body.

The pool-sided bath was filled to the brim with clean warm water.
As he entered, old blood seeped into the clear water from his knuckles and from what blood had dipped from his head onto his body.

The same mumbles from earlier continued.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" An almost silent wail croaked from his swollen throat.
"Why did I do that? Why did I say those things? It's all my fault! It always is!"

He pulled himself below the surface of the water, squeezing his eyes shut, feeling the air bubbles roll up his skin as his body shook trying to release sobs that Remus fought in order to not inhale water.

Slowly the world faded out, from blaring sirens to a muffled, inaudible whisper.
The itch below his skin faded, the zooming thoughts in his mind faded, the ache in his chest faded until all that was left was himself.

Remus Lupin, a normal five year old boy who lived with his father.
A boy not afraid to smile, cry, and laugh.
A boy who had no need for anger.
That was Remus Lupin to his core.

The muscles in his stomach began to contract, His body began to scream for air, pain throbbing throughout him.

He kicked off of the tiles on the bath floor, rising to the surface with a new found sense of clarity.
He knew he still had issues—inside and out—but that wasn't going to stop him from living his life.
Remus was off of autopilot and back in manual control.