vani's vent book

guilty dreaming

at 3am I woke up after a dream I had
upon realizing it was a dream I only felt so much worse
It was a dream that made me feel guilty though
maybe selfish if anything
a dream where you loved me
and i loved you back
and nothing ever actually happened

or
I think it went more like
it did happen, although
I finally asked you that question that I've been meaning to ask you
(though it seems as if I did it a lot later on)
and through that I found out
you really never stopped loving me
and I never stopped loving you

I think it's been so long that
I was able to memorize how you'd talk to me
so our interactions felt so real
it was even through text
I've never had a dream of you this way
maybe not for a long, long time now
because I really don't recall such a thing
but I dont know if I want to remember

I really couldn't tell what made me upset specifically
knowing the dream was a fake
or knowing the dream was built from my selfishness
I felt so guilty and just overall conflicted with my emotions that I didn't want to go to sleep
yet I didn't want to wake up if I did either

I don't know if you've been
looking over these
and if you do I feel a bit bad, and I apologize
because all I've typed so far are things either directly or indirectly related to you
the typing helps me
but I don't know what effect it has on you
so even if I've been trying to make an attempt at keeping you anonymous here, even if you won't be the only one I'll talk about at some point
if you want these down please tell me

...
though before you do
I don't have the guts to tell you directly, confront you and just tell you when I'm troubled with these things
because I don't know how you'll react and most of all I'm scared I could make things worse dragging this whole thing on
I've felt so bad and it hasn't been long at all
if there's just something, just anything you can tell me and know you're telling it truthfully that can make me feel better, maybe even in the slightest
no matter how slight that thing is it'll have a lot more of an impact on me knowing that you atleast tried
because maybe you don't have to love me, maybe not ever
but as long as you care about me and I know you do, I'm happy