Four x Reader (Insurgent)

Eight - "Lets not rule out options yet."

We decide to follow the train tracks. We all walked quietly along them, Tris walking tie-to-tie  and Tobias on the rails, staggering a few times but keeping his balance none the less. Caleb and Susan shuffled behind us. I focused my attention onto the boards beneath me. My hands placed into my jeans and I tried to think, think of anything, Amity? The fight? Maybe even the sound of guns blasting in my ears. But I couldn't think of anything, I felt numb. I was still mad from earlier, but I was beginning to wonder why I had said all of that, was I stressed? I would like to think I was after all of that, but I couldn't remember what I had felt during. 

Everything was going by in a blur, and everything was changing. I didn't like that. Moving to Dauntless was a big enough change without all of this. I hadn't had a moment to realise it all. 

I find out I am Divergent.
I move to Dauntless. 
I get my ass beat and become first. 
I get my first tattoo.
I snap. 
I see my mother. 
I realise my mother hated me.
Edward left...

Then what? I get attacked by Peter, Drew and Al. Oh God, Al. How could I have forgotten? He killed himself after that, I wonder what I thought during the time when they lifted his body out of the chasm? Was I scared? Sad? Did I think the image would be ingrained in my memory forever? And shortly afterwards, I began to date Four. 

My eyes narrowed as I stared at the boards. Trying to ignore the pounding in my head, the little voice saying, 'liar, liar.' I wouldn't even know what it was talking about if I tried. What could I possibly be lying about? Am I lying to myself? Someone else? 

I looked over at Four. I know I've said it... But do I actually love him? Us dating and Al's death was so close together, Al and I were friends, was I that stricken with grief I started dating someone and I never noticed that the possible nagging feeling in my stomach could be guilt? Hatred towards myself or him? Did I ever stop to think, 'Hey! This might not be a good idea'? Am I too young for all of this? 

I get knocked out of my thoughts when I bump into Tris, her hand on the train rails, looking behind us. I looked over my shoulder and saw a dark carriage coming towards us. "It's coming." Tris announced. Struggling to stand back up from sore feet and legs. "I think we should get on." I acknowledged the tiredness and bruised feeling in my legs and silently agreed. 

"Even if it's run by Erudite?" Caleb looked worried as the train got closer. 

"If the Erudite were running the train, the would have taken it to the Amity compound to look for us." Tobias piped up. I was still stuck in my head, feeling unable to speak or think, but hearing his voice made my chest burn, and I could no longer tell if it was hatred or guilt. "I think it's worth the risk. We'll be able to hide in the city. Here we're just waiting for them." 

We all climb off of the tracks, Caleb explaining to Susan how to jump on, speaking as a former Erudite only could. I paid attention to the train, and I didn't feel the need to run like I used to, as if I wasn't scared if I didn't make it on. And I think that careless thought scared me because I felt a tingle run up my legs, to my spine, and up my neck. I took a deep breath and watched as it came closer, hearing the agonising sound of metal carrying metal. 

The first carriage passes and everyone begins to run, I stand there longer than everyone else before I started to slowly jog, Susan and Caleb jump on. 

Handle. Handle. 

Tris got on. 

Handle. 

Four. 

I took a deep breath and grabbed onto the last handle I could before the train would take off. I swung my legs up as I felt the ground give way from under me, stepping into the cart. I looked down the carriage and noticed no one else was here, they had all jumped into the same carriage. How far up was it, two? Maybe four handles ago? The doors of the carriage were pull opens and I thought about walking down to meet everyone, but why should I? I sat, my legs hanging out of the train door, my head against the door, feeling the cold air hit me in the face. And I cried.