Dear Diary, Save Me.

Entry Seven

(Dear diary)

Dear grandma,

This day is always saddening but never like this before. It's your birthday. But you left before we could celebrate. It's been 4 years since I saw you last. And I don't even believe in any of this shit. With the afterlife and God. But I just want to talk to you. And while I was so upset with this day I did the worst thing to celebrate.
I'm sure you're real proud of me now, crying and smoking and praying to nothing. I mean, you don't even know me. We met before I was a boy. I'm almost 18 grandma. You'll never see me graduate, or find love, you'll never even see that I made it past middle school. And I'll never see you turn 80. Or 90. Or whatever age because you're gone. You left me. And I still needed you. You left me and it's unfair. Now I'm a fuckup who's smoking on grandma's birthday in a room in a house you never knew and I'm in the process of ruining every bit of my life. And I'm okay with it. You get to see me now. All messed up and shit. I don't blame you. It just wasn't the best timing to die, yknow? You see the open cuts on my skin, the tattoos that I got, the mental child. I know you aren't proud. Oh and I'm addicted to nicotine. Just like you, huh? I'll end up just like you. You'd hate me if you saw me like this. I'm a mess. And it's your birthday and I'm sorry. Please please forgive me. It's hard. All of it. Everything is hard. I can't go on like this grandma. I want to see you again grandma. If the only way to do that is to die I'll still do it. This life is too hard and I'm behind on everything and I just want to be free. Just close your eyes when I do it. When I take the last step. I couldn't bare knowing that you saw me like that. I'm so tired grandma. Please forgive me. Ive failed you in so many ways. I'm lost and I want to be free. I'll see you soon. I promise

-anonymous