In This Heart: 1934

Chapter 15: Fresh Start

February 12, 1945

To Theresa,

Hi. This is me, Juanita. And yes, the letter attached to this was Anton's latest letter to me, and instead of sending him a response, I decided to write you one instead. Yes, I lost my husband of seven years, but no, that doesn't make me feel free.

I have no desire to reconnect to Anton anymore, although I must admit, he was so hard to forget. The moment your letter arrived at my mailbox, I was shivering with fear. I told myself this is the storm I need to face, and I should know how to confront it. Your letter was a big slap to my face - the evidence of how dirty I was as a person. I don't want to use any excuses and blame everything for love because I know mistakes should be avoided, not tolerated.

It's been a hell of a life to me that every time I see myself in the mirror, I see a person that's full of flaws and stupid decisions.

Anton and I met each other secretly for a year. You got it right. We met not more than ten times, but we never made love again. We only did it the first time we met, and nothing happened after that. We only did it once, and that's the only favor I asked for him. I just want to see him and that's all. Anton never allowed me to stay for the night because he knew it would also mean disrespecting you. It's funny because still having me in the picture and how he saved me seats was already an act of disrespect.

However, we had coffee for some afternoons like old friends meeting again. And so many times, he invited me to your house so I could meet you. I bet that sounded a little off to see you in person. To see the woman who took the only friend I have - my first love. The reason why we turned to be the 'cannot be' in the equation.

I could never love any man the same way I loved Anton. All my life, he was the only friend I had. Even if we separated for a decade while growing up, I still have his name on every slam book that I fill with questions of who's my best friend. He was the only guiding light I had, and even if we only lasted for a short time, I felt like I had the extremes of love with him - both the good and bad sides. He never told me about you. He never told me there was another woman who was grieving for a love that withered.

All my life, I never felt found not until Anton was there. We were happy and planned so many things together. My parents were so happy because they knew my heart was safe with Anton, for they know him.

But he left me so he could marry you. Even if I try to rearrange things, it still hurts to know that he's no longer the man I could afford to have in the future. But life gave us choices, and that first choice was to cheat on our partners the moment we met each other.

It was so stupid that I couldn't forgive myself. The day I received your letter, it was also Mike who read it first. He was so heartbroken and got the answers to why I don't want to have children. He knew my heart still belongs to Anton.

It was so unfair for him, yet he forgave me. Instead of hating me, he tried his best to prove that he was better than before. He asked me for dates every weekend, we traveled far and wide. I know he blamed himself for not being enough - for not being the better version of Anton, and I feel bad because I took him for granted. I woke up to the sounds of him crying in the bathroom, beating himself, and telling me he's afraid to lose me. He was so hard on himself to the point that it hurts me so much that I knew I was the reason behind it.

Then, when we started to plan to build a family, I found out about him having a car accident. He had petals of flowers all over the road, with stains of blood and his lifeless body. It was the worst karma. It was the worst devastation that the world asked me to pay for.

It's been months and it still hurts. There was never a night that I cry myself to sleep because I feel like it was just me against the world. I lost Mike, the man I learned to love. The man who gave me shelter and care. The man who believed in me when I was a mess. I realized he was so much better than Anton because he did things I never asked him to do, and it's all too late now to prove to him how willing I am to change.

So please, I wrote my last letter to Anton as I wanted to bid farewell to him. It's attached to a separate envelope, and I want you to read it first before him. I want him out of my life. I want to start anew. I want to let all these nightmares leave me alone. I want to forget that all I ever need in this life is love.

Juanita