In This Heart: 1934

Chapter 10: Still Lost

November 25, 1936

My Anton,

I was clueless and just as much as I want to hate you, I know I can't. I pity you for the thing you have to face. I pity you for the sacrifices you need to stand on, and I admire you for being a selfless son. If I were you, I would do the same thing.

It's almost a year since you've been gone. However, I still find myself tracing old pathways, recalling the same old memories, reliving the same old laughter. I keep writing the same old promises that we made and all the plans you said both of us will fulfill together.

Just as much as I prayed that we'll be together, still fate played the game, and you're now doing the plans with her. I know I only met you for a short period of time, but I had known you ever since we were kids, and I saved a spot of you in my life that remained sacred and unoccupied.

They lied when they said time will heal all wounds because it's been months, and I am still held in prison by our memories. My parents wanted me to forgive fate for taking you away from me. They want me to try love with new ones, and I did. I tried, and every man I went out with, every hand I hold stood as proof that nobody compares to you. They all tried so hard to win me, but none of them knew my heart was too broken to give the same kind of love that I gave you.

I was deeply hurt, but I was also hopeful that we'll still meet each other and we will try again. And after I found out about you getting married, it crushed my entire being, and all doors I kept unlocked suddenly closed. I watched all hopes I planted in my heart withered. I can't pull you back to me anymore because you're right, loving me is forbidden now. Loving you is a mistake now as well.

No matter how good and sincere my intentions are, I know life will never permit us anymore. Life will only give us the worst cards over and over again, and I will lose you in all ways possible. I know I could no longer love you in loud screams.

I could no longer love you with pride and openness. I could no longer tell the world I am proud to be loved by you. You are now part of my secrets, my hidden yearning - my silent prayer. I know no matter what I do, we will only meet to lose each other again, and the pain will never cease.

I wish I could do something to stand against this destiny. I wish I could fly there and tell everyone you belong to me, and they have no right to take you away from your happiness. I wish I could still have you. I wish I could still take what's supposed to be mine.

Miserable,

Juanita