In This Heart: 1934

Chapter 6: Attachment

August 3, 1934

Dearest Juanita,

Juanita, it's been five months, and this distance between us is a hurdle we find hard to surpass. But still, I am happy that despite the long miles you have to travel, you came here to visit once or twice a month. It's always the thought that counts, and I couldn't help but wonder if you also feel the same way - the same joy and excitement that made you think everything's worth it.

I wonder if you also feel this kind of grief when it's time for us to depart. My head screams for time to stop. Every time you go home, I find a pang of loneliness soothing within me. All my questions were always piled up, but I was afraid of which one to answer first. I am so scared it would make things worse.

I really want to see you often that's why I take days off and pay you a surprise visit. I am happy just to see you. I am happy to know that I'll get to see you no matter how brief that day would. And it feels weird, but I never felt so excited to be with one person, not until you write me letters to tell me you'll be here the next week. On many nights, I pray for that day to come. With you, I learned to be patient.

I know it's been five months, but it felt like we spent our youth together. It felt like you're my better half. I always reserved all secrets I had with me, so I get to share them with you. I don't understand what I am feeling now. It feels so odd not to have you around me. I felt like a puzzle with a missing piece. I keep searching for you in a crowd of unfamiliar faces. I want to hear your voice every now and then.

I want to hear and see you laugh. I want to listen about your dreams, your plans. Everything you have in you that you never shared with anyone anymore, I want you to disclose them to me. Your fears, your doubts, and all of your sorrows. Fill my days with all these years when we were apart.

And I am afraid that the more we get close, the more I know I couldn't stay still within the lines I drew. You know how much I want this friendship, but those months proved how good you are as a person. You have a mind that attracts my curiosity and each day that passed, I could no longer look at you in the same light. There's a glow, a spark dancing in the surrounding.

There's happiness that I myself couldn't explain. There were times that I wanted to kiss you - times I fought the urge so as not to break what we build. Times when I need to stop myself from feeling what I felt because what if you don't want it? What if you want to stay on that distance I couldn't come close anymore? And I am terrified that the moment you get what I mean, you'll decide that it's your turn to draw all these restricted lines.

I am afraid that day after day, you decide that you want to protect the friendship over anything else. Please let me know it's not just me who feels the same way. Please let me know there's more to our friendship.

Hoping,

Anton