40 Days

November 20, 1997

I woke up to the warm, soft glide of Harry's hand along my body. My breath caught, making a sucking noise, and I suddenly couldn't breathe.

His hand played with the edge of my nightshirt, his fingers barely moving under, my skin tingling where he touched.

"Breathe, Hermione." He whispered as his fingers spanned my stomach briefly before sliding over to grasp my hip.

Harry pulled me over so I was flat underneath him, his body pressed against mine, his forearms caging my face. It hurt to look at him, the pale glitter of his eyes, the sharp angles of his thin face. I couldn't stop myself from picking out the changes the war and the locket had wrought.

He looked like a...

"Monster." I hadn't meant to say it out loud, and my eyes widened, but he only chuckled softly, staring down at me almost adoringly.

"That's a familiar one. My family favored freak, though." His head lowered and his lips drifted along the edge of my jaw.

The words were cuts, hurting me and I whimpered, not knowing what to say. The locket had fallen against me, resting on my chest bone. It felt like a ten-pound weight pressing down on me. I don't know how he stood it.

His legs moved, sliding his knee higher, shifting my legs wider so he could settle in between them. "Aren't I your best friend, Hermione? Wouldn't you do anything to keep me safe?"

I felt him hard and pressed against me. My hands came up and dug into his upper arms, still braced around my head. He rolled his hips against me grinding down, and a moan escaped me unwillingly.

I felt his smile against my neck. "What about what you would do to make me happy?"

He reached down to grab my leg, pulling it higher onto his hip, and I tensed. "Remember that really useful spell we learned in transfiguration in fifth year?"

His hips canted, and noises spilled from my mouth without my consent. My brain helpfully volunteered the anatomical explanation of what was happening. Harry Potter was grinding himself right on my clitoris. Blood rushed through my body as I tried to shut my mouth, to stop making the noises that sounded as if I was enjoying it. It was so hot, lying beneath him, as if we were both feverish, and sweat beaded on my skin.

His voice was low and husky as he continued, not stopping his motion. "Evanesco."

I shuddered at the brief lash of his magic when he said the spell. "Wouldn't that be so useful now? Of course I can't cast it wandlessly, but maybe you could—what do you think, Hermione? Do you want to try?"

"Stop please." I finally managed to speak, my thighs trembling as my best friend gave me pleasure I had never experienced before.

He froze above me, his mouth and hips still pressed hard against me. "Do you realize how much better this would feel without our clothes?"

Harry pulled back from me slowly, his body sliding off mine as he got off the bed. He sighed and rolled his head on his neck before looking at me, his lids low and almost hiding the bright gleam of arousal in his eyes.

What did I do? I rolled over on my side and burst into tears like the most useless twit on the planet. I didn't look at him, but I knew he was there, watching me cry.

"I'll make you something to eat, Hermione." He walked off to the makeshift kitchen area, as if nothing had happened. I laid there, my crying slowing, trying to ignore how wet I felt between my legs.

I grabbed my wand and stumbled off for some privacy as I cast scourgifies on myself and got ready for the day. When I sat down across from him, Harry talked to me as if I was responding.

"It always made me laugh at how jealous Ron would get when you picked up spells so quickly. What was it? Your third attempt and you vanished that snail in McGonagall's class?"

I didn't look up.

"I don't know why it was so hard for me. I'm pretty sure that I did that spell when I was ten as a bit of accidental magic."

I tightened my lips. I wanted to know, but I refused to talk.

"Stubborn." He murmured at me before continuing, giving me the explanation I refused to ask for. "Mostly when my family went out, I got locked in the cupboard for short outings or left with our neighbor Mrs. Figg for longer outings. But she had broken her leg, you see, so it forced them to take me to the zoo with them. It was the first time I had ever gone. I was so excited."

He was smiling at the memory, but his smile dimmed a little when he saw my horrified face. "It was exciting for me at the time. Maybe not by our standards now... but before I got my letter, it was probably one of the best things that had happened."

His explanation was a little rushed and defensive as he misconstrued my expression. I licked my lips, blinking rapidly. "So what happened? Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, it was actually the best morning ever for me as a kid... well, until we got to the reptile house."

I remembered his parseltongue and how astonished he had been at his ability. "You accidentally talked to a snake?"

"You really are so smart Hermione!" He laughed. "I didn't even realize it at the time, and I vanished the glass of the enclosure, letting a boa constrictor loose. Of course, it was downhill from there. No food and confinement in a dark cupboard for me for quite a while."

"How long?"

"Hmm." His brow creased as he thought. "Not sure. A couple of weeks?" He qualified quickly at my sharply indrawn breath. "Oh, not without food, or I'd probably be dead."

"Oh." I said shakily across from him. He seemed to be a little confused at my reaction as he stared at me, before getting up announcing he would reinforce our protection spells.

As soon as he left, I stumbled to the area we had cordoned off as facilities and fell to my knees gagging as I threw up the small bit of food I had managed to eat. I leaned against the toilet, my head feeling like it would explode from my conflicting feelings.

My anger was burning me up inside, making my stomach twist. I had seen Harry's family in passing. Harry had never introduced me. Why hadn't I questioned it?

"Your aunt and uncle will be proud, though, won't they?" I asked Harry, getting off the train in second year. "When they hear what you did this year?"

Harry had looked at me like I was crazy. "Proud? Are you mad? All the times I could've died, and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious."

I moaned, my heart breaking. I had thought he was exaggerating or joking. Why had they let him go back to such a terrible place? I cried for him, my best friend with a brave smile, who despite all that had been so kind to me. Who had fought a troll to help me despite barely knowing me in first year.

"Fuck, Hermione!" Harry found me crying for the boy he used to be on the floor.

He picked me up from the floor, and I threw my hands around his neck, hugging him close. I cried so hard I thought I would break. Harry frantically tried to calm me down, rocking me on his bed like I was a baby. Each time he shifted, the locket scrapped against me, reminding me that after him surviving all that- he was finally being lost to that fucking horcrux.

I grabbed it, and his hand covered mine. "No, Hermione."

I felt feral and crazy and I laughed at his command, as if that was going to stop me. Tears still went down my face as I laughed. I think even with the influence of the locket; I was freaking him out because now he was watching me like I was the crazy monster. I yanked even harder at the locket, trying to wrestle it away from him.

Pointless, really, but my mind wasn't working.

I felt his wand dig into my side.

"Stupefy."