Soul-bound

10. Books about the art of battle

He held me close to him, sitting up behind me, one leg on either side of me. My back was to his strong chest. He was caressing the scars that Izuna had just healed.

"Don't", I whispered.

"Why?" he asked, but immediately stopped caressing the scars out of respect.

"Because I'm afraid I'll do it again if it means you'll be here."

He was quiet for some time. I wanted him to say I didn't need to do that in order for him to be here.

He didn't.

"Madara..."

"Mmm?"

"Tell me."

"Isn't it crystal clear?" I asked, suddenly irritated.

"I still need to hear it from you."

I turned to him, sat up on my knees. The sudden movement made my head spin. I felt wildness in my eyes.

"I don't owe you anything, considering you've treated me like air for four years. You've gotten it exactly the way you want it up until now. It has all been about you and what you need and how you feel, why stop now? I'm in love with you, you idiot! I have been in love with you for four years! And when you kissed me and fucked me I believed it was because you loved me, too! And if it was the case that you didn't, you should have talked to me about it!"

I realised I had raised my voice, but I didn't care. Hashirama stared at me, face set, unmoving. Who are you and what have you done with Hashirama?

"Why did you fucking come here now?!" I screamed. "Why did you hold me?!"

He looked to the side.

"I started avoiding you because I realised you had feelings for me."

I gaped. This isn't happening. This just can't be happening.

"You... What?"

"I wanted to try sleeping with you because I thought both you and me were on the same plane. Because we both wanted to try the arousal that entails fucking your best friend. But when I woke and you told me you had never been so happy..." He hesitated and looked at me. "I don't feel the same, Madara! I'm not in love with you and have never been! You can't be mad at me for that."

I felt cold dread drench my heart like acid. I saw a mountain in front of me that was so steep, it was impossible to climb, and I only had my hands and feet to climb it.

How? How will I ever be able to make you understand the magnitude of the mistake you have made? Of the wrongdoings you've suffocated me with?

"Do you really think it's about whether you have feelings for me or not?!" I screamed at him. I was standing up now, but had no memory of actually having stood up. "I thought so highly about you! About how intellectual and mature you are! And you can't even talk to me before fucking me for fun?! To make sure we're on the same page?" I saw realisation wash over Hashirama's face. He knows. He knows what he has done. The relief was indescribable . "And when you realise there are feelings within me that do not match yours, you ignore me for four years?! You're sick! You're sick but you know what the worst part is? That you thought so little of me that you didn't even give me the chance of conversation!"

When I was done, I was beyond tears. I was so, so painfully exhausted that I couldn't cry. And I believed it was the same for Hashirama, because he backed up into the wall and slowly slid down until he was sitting.

I looked down on him. He looked down on the floor. I was angry with him. So angry.

"What do we do now?" he whispered.

The question provoked me so much, I wanted to scream. After all I had said, he'd turned into a grey mouse and was unable to provide me any form of support. How about you apologise? I wanted to scream. How about you get your shit together and take control of the situation? I didn't recognise the man in front of me. So I took control.

"We do what is best for our clans", I said. "Which is to maintain a professional relationship between us so that we can decide on peace." Hashirama still didn't say anything. I couldn't stand seeing him. "Please, leave."

When he couldn't even do that, I left instead.

I went to my old family home. Without knocking, I opened the door

Please... Please!!

He was there. Thank God, Izuna was in his room, studying.

He had always been like that. Whereas I had shunned books and looked for hands-on experience only, Izuna had ploughed through books about the art of battle, techniques and warfare since he could read, implementing what he read into practice, and then into battle. It was a feature of his personality I admired him for greatly.

He was so engrossed in his book he hadn't notice me coming into the house, but as he saw me in the doorway, he looked up.

"He showed up? I told Hashirama to get his shit together, and-" Izuna stopped abruptly, seeing the distraught on my face. "What did he do to you?"

I sunk down to my knees. I refused myself tears, but I did allow me comfort from my little brother.

"What can I do for you?" He asked.

"Tell me..." I swallowed. "About you and Tobirama."

"So that you can go fuck yourself up again?!" God, Izuna had really developed a dirty mouth. I couldn't help but smile a little on the inside. "I think not!"

I shook my head.

"No, I..." I swallowed. "I need to hear there is still some good left in this world. Some love."

Izuna hesitated.

"It was that bad, huhh?"

I nodded.

Izuna took a deep breath, and he told me.