Aimless (JJBA)

13 Everything Is Going To Be Okay

A/N I told you that this story was going to be gross. I wasn't holding any punches! And now in the present, I'm still not.

Jotaro sat in front of his plate of food, regretting saying that he was going to eat. Maybe if he was focused on work, he could just scarf it down. He opened his bag and took out a folder. He began reading through the contents as he began eating.

Before he knew it, he was done.

Kakyoin walked in and said, "So brought your work with you home?"

Jotaro wasn't sure how to reason to that. He just walked to the sink and began washing his dishes. There was silence as he finished washing his utensils.

"Can we talk?" He leaned against the island a few feet behind Jotaro.

His jaw tensed as he put the dishes in the dishrack. He kept his back to him as he asked, "About what?"

Kakyoin didn't hesitate to answer, "About us."

"There is no 'us' to talk about," he couldn't bear to look at him. He felt his cheeks warm up with embarrassment. He kept his feelings away from Kakyoin for a reason. He knew Kakyoin wouldn't like him back.

"But you have feelings for me, and that is worth acknowledging."

"No, it's not." He isn't worth much.

"Yes, it is," Kakyoin argued. "Your feelings matter, and I just want you to know that if you need someone to hold you, I can do that. You don't need to go to other men."

Did he know about this evening?

Jotaro placed his soaked hands into his pockets. He could feel them starting to shake. "What if I needed more than just a hug?"

"We can improvise."

Improvise?

"Like maybe, watch a movie. Hang out together somewhere else. Or if you really need to let off some steam, then maybe..."

"Just stop," Jotaro grimaced. "Don't force yourself. If I want you to be with me, I don't want you to not want it." That would make him feel terrible.

There was another lengthy silence between the two.

"I'm sorry," Kakyoin said.

"Don't apologize," Jotaro said. "I know I'm being difficult. You've been nothing but good to me."

"But I have to tell you how sorry I am. I haven't been focusing on romance. I've been so focused on my health and the constant pain... I couldn't focus on you."

"You don't have to, Nori," he said holding his head low. "I'm..." Not fine. "I'll be okay. I've loved you for many years. What's another year alone? I've dealt with it all this time."

"You've nearly killed yourself," Kakyoin said, shutting him down. "Jojo, I'm worried about you. Everyone has a breaking point. You too." He came over to Jotaro's side, so he could get a better look at his face.

There were tears falling from his bloodshot eyes.

"You think simply you loving me is going to make me better? Love is just a temporary fix. I still feel empty after I sleep. I feel guilt and shame every time someone is nice to me. All the bad feelings come back after I sleep with someone else. I helped save a world that I feel like is giving me constant emptiness. What the fuck am I supposed to do?" His voice cracked at the last sentence. He clenched his teeth as they began to chatter.

"Breath," Kakyoin said quietly. "You're hyperventilating."

"I am?"

Kakyoin nodded as he rubbed his back. "It's okay. I know these things feel difficult. I'll deal with whatever I have to. I'll stay by your side for as long as you allow me to."