Aimless (JJBA)

21 It Hurts

Jotaro wondered what Kakyoin wanted. He knew what he himself wanted. He wanted Kakyoin.

"Can't we just be together?" Kakyoin said.

"What do you mean?" Jotaro asked.

"Just... be there for each other," he clarified.

"What are you so afraid of?" Jotaro said. "Is it me? Was it what I've become?"

"No!" Kakyoin said sitting straight up. "It's not that at all. I promise. Come on, I've had my fair share of partners, but not nearly as much as you... No offense."

Jotaro shrugged unable to look at him.

"But no, I promise, it isn't you."

"Then... Why?" Jotaro's voice barely rose above a whisper. "You let me hug you. You treat me better than my own ex wife. You saw so many embarrassing parts of me without looking at me in disgust. Why can't you love me?"

...

Kakyoin couldn't say anything. It was like he didn't have an answer himself. He swallowed before reaching for Jotaro's hand.

Jotaro looked over at the hand covering his.

"Jojo, listen. I-."

"I fucking hate this, you know. You keep giving and taking without thinking how it's affecting me. I fucking hate it, Nori. I hate this so much." His voice began to tremble. "Why can't you love me?" His jaw clenched as his eyes glare at their hands. It didn't stop his eyes from tearing up.

"I'm sorry," was all Kakyoin could come up with to say.

"There's nothing stopping me from loving you no matter how much this hurts. I still want you to hold me." He hiccuped. His hands balled into fists as he bawled. "I still want to feel your warmth. I want to listen to you talk. I want you, Nori. I love you." He sniffed as tears fell down his cheeks.

Confliction was apparent on Kakyoin's face. He wasn't sure what to say. Should he be brutally honest or patronizingly lie?

Finally, Kakyoin finally knew what he wanted to say. "I haven't been in any lasting relationships, because they get tired of me. They tell me and convince themselves that they would stay with me forever, but they get tired of me. They could never handle me in a relationship. What's stopping you from not being tired of me?"

Jotaro finally looked up at Kakyoin ready to retaliate with an angry response, only to find Kakyoin in tears. He had no idea due to his level and calm voice. He always saw Kakyoin as someone who had it all figured out. He never knew that Kakyoin had that thought in his head.

Kakyoin's voice was level and calm before it slowly rose. "They always leave before the end, Jojo. No matter what. They are more tired of my pain than me. They hate the 'responsibility' of 'taking care of me'. 'I'm always in pain! I can't shut up about my chronic pain! I talk too much! I don't ever want to do anything! I-!'"

Jotaro quickly embraced him by wrapping his arms around. He didn't bother to wipe his own tears away. He held him tight as he placed a hand on his head to lay on his shoulder.

Kakyoin yelled, "What the hell are you doing?" His voice wavered. "Let go!"

Jotaro sniffed trying to get the sob out of his throat. "You've always had those feelings about yourself. None of that is true."

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it's not. They, whoever they are, never understood how amazing you are." Jotaro could feel Kakyoin tensed up in his arms after a slight tremble. "I can never get enough of you. I could listen to you all day about anything. And I don't mind taking care of you. No, I want to take care of you." He knew just how bad those negative thoughts can affect a person on the inside. He rubbed his back and whispered, "I'm sorry I was only thinking about myself, Nori."