You Captured By Me

END

I gazed at the mirror and tried to see if you were right or if you were just lying to me.

Do I really look good in a white suit, Jennie?

I wish you are here to see me
wearing it. I would've given anything just for you to see me now, to somehow see you smiling back at me.

Trivia: Have I ever told you that I
always feel the coolest and most confident version of myself whenever you look at me?

It's been twenty one years since you
left my life but even now, you're still
as alive as ever in my memories. I'm
already fifty one years old, and if you were only here, you would've been forty-eight now. Every day I think about what you will look like when you grow old, but no matter what I think, there is only one thing that I always hold on to throughout my life: you're still beautiful, Jennie.

The first few years were absolute hell but because of my promise to you, I tried to live on.

And now, I'm finally well enough to
attend a wedding.

I really wish you are here, Jennie.

I entered the church and took my place at the third row of the leftmost pews towards the front. My heart clenched when the choir sang the wedding song.

I told myself, I will do everything
to not cry today, but my tears still flowed when Alice started walking
to Lucas.

Because I still remember the night I lost you. That night, I lost the reason to live but you gave them a new hope.

Because unknownst to me, you
have signed up for an organ donor
card a week after Mia died, because
you've decided that you want to help
the kids if anything happen to
you. You have specifically nominated
and signed a will that you wanted
Alice to be the recipient of your heart and Lucas to be the recipient of your corneas.

That heart transplant surgery was
the hardest thing I've ever done in my medical career but I did it for you, Jennie. I thought that if that was your last wish and the last chance I have to show you how much I love you, then I will do it no matter how much it kills me. And I did.

Twenty-one years later and here they are, completely in love with each other. Even years after your death, you're still the best wedding planner ever, Jennie. You don't know how much I'm proud of you. Always.

As the wedding ceremony went on, my mind drifted back to that night when I kissed you at the hotel banquet hall after I caught the bridal bouquet and gave it to you. I still try to remember the taste of your lips and it breaks my heart every time but I cannot imagine
kissing anyone else except you, love.

Halfway through their wedding vows, Alice paused to wipe away her tears and stepped down from the altar To my (and everyone's surprise), she together with her husband Lucas started walking towards my direction. They handed me the bunch of flowers with their intertwined and trembling hands.

"Today we just want to honor Dr.
Lalisa Manoban. and the loving
memory of her wife Jennie Kim,
who gave me her beautiful heart and gave my husband her beautiful eyes. Because of her, we are both standing here, amazed by the many brave and miraculous things that love and the heart are capable of doing. Because of her, we see a beautiful world in all its colors." Alice said, crying.

Lucas knelt down as he told me:
"Dada, every day, I feel equally
grateful and sorry for wearing your
beloved's eyes. I can't look at you straight often because I don't want to remind you that she is gone, but
Dada, I wish you knew how much
we are grateful for the life of Mommy Jennie. I really want to tell her how much all the colors of the world are beautiful since I've seen it, but even when, I know it won't be as beautiful as the world when
she was still here with us. I wish
dada, Alice and I have a love like you. That love to give all without exchange. The love that will wait
honestly and wholeheartedly to you for the rest of your life"

Jennie, this feels like looking straight into your eyes again. It's my turn now to wipe away your tears. I brushed the tears away on Lucas cheeks to let him understand that I don't hate him for wearing your eyes. That if you were only here right now, you would've told him that you are so happy for him.

Your eyes are still beautiful as ever, love.

Until now, I'm still deeply inlove with you, Jennie.

Later on, I would skip the reception
and instead do what I usually do
during Sundays: visit you.

I read through all the trivias about
you and about us that I have written
through the years and I smiled as I see a pretty rainbow in the sky.

I hope you know how my bed is a daily battlefield of will, how I encourage myself to wake up every morning with the hope that no matter where you are, I'm still making you proud.

Today, I add another one in memory of you, love.

Trivia: Your last words to me were, "I love you, Lisa. See you soon."

Jennie, you think I forgot it?

END