You Captured By Me

Chapter 23

In medical school, I have learned that every day the human heart can create enough energy to drive a truck for twenty miles. In one lifetime, that's equivalent to driving back and forth to the moon. That even though it only weighs approximately 11 ounces on average, a healthy heart pumps 2,000 gallons of blood through 60,000 miles of blood vessels each day.

Jennie, before you, all I knew about the heart were facts and figures. And grief.

There was a little eight year-old boy named Ryan from three years ago who died from Arrhythmogenic Right Ventricular Dysplasia. He was my first patient who died. The second one was my sister Lia.
Every day, I carry their deaths and my failure on my shoulders. I take them with me wherever I go because I thought that the only way I can atone for my incapability to save them is to at least remember their memories. I never thought that I was probably doing them a huge disrespect by dragging their deaths as burdens, as excuses to justify my depression.

Jennie, I didn't realize that I have been mourning all my life.

And then you came and suddenly there were more than just facts and figures---there were feelings.

You told me one time, that it's so
cool to have a girlfriend who knows
so many trivias because you learn
something new all the time, but Jennie, it's me who learn something new everyday when I'm with you.

Like when I saw that you're not in the office anymore a while ago. I was so awestruck and overwhelmed by how much love your heart is capable of giving. I ask myself everyday what I've done to have the privilege of having you in my life. To be loved by you.

To belong to you. So I talked to the hospital's executive director and asked for a three-day leave, after all, I have no more surgeries on hold for the rest of week and they really want me to leave this coming Saturday. I know that if would acept that offer, I will want nothing else but to spend as more time
with you as possible. Even though I don't know if you would let me in,
I went to your place at 3am because I want to see you so bad.

You opened the door and your eyes
were swollen from crying and I
immediately hated myself again for
causing you pain. I embraced you,
because my arms speak in behalf of my mouth when words fail me. And you always take my breath and my words away, Jennie. It's the best excuse I can come up with for always wanting to hold you, but I honestly mean this with all my heart.

When I asked you if you would go
with me to Jeju, you just stared
at me for a split-second then walked
straight into your room, leaving me
standing by your doorstep, awkward and clueless. I felt tears pricking my eyes when I thought of how you're probably giving up on me but then you came back after a minute and told me, "can you help me pack my things?"

I hugged you again and kissed your
lips, more grateful than I have ever
been in my life. I helped you load clothes on your luggage and I said sorry when you glared at me for admiring the set of underwear you're bringing. I asked you to bring something else and even though you were totally clueless about why I was asking you to bring it, you still did.

Thank you for always trusting me even if I don't make sense half the time, Jennie.

Six hours later, we've reached the
airport on Jeju island and another half hour later, we were cuddling on the bed of our room at a bed and breakfast guesthouse lodge situated near the docks of Jeju. We were dead exhausted from the trip but we were still so happy to be together.
Lying there with you, with my heart
trying to memorize the scent of your
hair and the length of your eyelashes, and how my body so perfectly alignswith yours, inch by every painful inch, I knew: